1 00:00:21,499 --> 00:00:24,499 [theme music] 2 00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:41,499 HOST: Ladies and gentlemen, please 3 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,498 welcome Christopher Titus! 4 00:00:44,499 --> 00:00:47,499 [cheering] 5 00:00:48,499 --> 00:00:49,498 Hello, everyone! 6 00:00:49,499 --> 00:00:51,498 Yeah! 7 00:00:51,499 --> 00:00:52,498 Yes! 8 00:00:52,499 --> 00:00:55,498 Santa Barbara! 9 00:00:55,499 --> 00:00:56,498 Yes. 10 00:00:56,499 --> 00:00:58,498 Good evening. 11 00:00:58,499 --> 00:00:59,498 Yes! Good to have you guys here. 12 00:00:59,499 --> 00:01:00,498 Yes! 13 00:01:00,499 --> 00:01:02,498 Thank you! 14 00:01:02,499 --> 00:01:05,498 Thank you. 15 00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:06,498 Do you guys know why you're here tonight? 16 00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:08,498 You think it's because you like paying 17 00:01:08,499 --> 00:01:09,498 to sit in a darkened room with a bunch of people who 18 00:01:09,499 --> 00:01:10,498 may or may not smell like they just 19 00:01:10,499 --> 00:01:12,498 had food from their homeland. 20 00:01:12,499 --> 00:01:13,498 [cheering] 21 00:01:13,499 --> 00:01:14,498 No. 22 00:01:14,499 --> 00:01:16,917 We're here tonight because comedy 23 00:01:17,499 --> 00:01:18,499 gets rid of our desire to kill. 24 00:01:19,499 --> 00:01:21,498 [cheering] 25 00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:23,498 You notice, you don't need cloud after a good day, 26 00:01:23,499 --> 00:01:24,498 when you wake up all bright eyed, 27 00:01:24,499 --> 00:01:25,498 and bushy tailed, and the world just 28 00:01:25,499 --> 00:01:27,498 feels like a Taylor Swift song. 29 00:01:27,499 --> 00:01:30,498 And you start your day with a fresh squeezed glass of hope, 30 00:01:30,499 --> 00:01:32,498 and possibility, and a whole wheat slice of confidence 31 00:01:32,499 --> 00:01:35,499 slathered in I'm sexy, and I know it! 32 00:01:36,499 --> 00:01:37,498 Your welcome lady. 33 00:01:37,499 --> 00:01:38,498 [laughter] 34 00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:40,498 You go to work with your first phone call. 35 00:01:40,499 --> 00:01:43,498 You bring 1,500 jobs back to the US of mother humping A. 36 00:01:43,499 --> 00:01:45,498 And good jobs too, not those Walmart concentration 37 00:01:45,499 --> 00:01:47,498 camp jobs. 38 00:01:47,499 --> 00:01:49,498 With your second phone call, you accidentally 39 00:01:49,499 --> 00:01:51,498 save a Chinese baby that'll never have to build 40 00:01:51,499 --> 00:01:52,498 iPhones in Beijing again. 41 00:01:52,499 --> 00:01:55,498 It's a good damn day. 42 00:01:55,499 --> 00:01:56,498 You go home that night. You walk in the front door. 43 00:01:56,499 --> 00:01:57,498 Your kids are gone. 44 00:01:57,499 --> 00:01:58,498 They're not dead. 45 00:01:58,499 --> 00:01:59,292 They're just gone, relax. 46 00:01:59,499 --> 00:02:00,499 [laughter] 47 00:02:01,499 --> 00:02:03,498 It's not that good of a day. 48 00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:06,499 [laughter] 49 00:02:07,499 --> 00:02:09,498 And you notice a trail a rose petals in the front door 50 00:02:09,499 --> 00:02:12,498 into the bedroom, and you wish to god that your gardener spoke 51 00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:13,499 English. 52 00:02:16,499 --> 00:02:18,498 But you walk in that bedroom, and the person you've decided 53 00:02:18,499 --> 00:02:19,498 to spend your life with is dressed 54 00:02:19,499 --> 00:02:21,498 in your favorite sexual fantasy costume-- 55 00:02:21,499 --> 00:02:23,498 Batman and Wonder Woman, Allen Thicke, 56 00:02:23,499 --> 00:02:25,498 hobo, whatever you want. 57 00:02:25,499 --> 00:02:27,498 And you have amazing sex. 58 00:02:27,499 --> 00:02:29,498 You have the kind of sex that sperm 59 00:02:29,499 --> 00:02:30,499 tell their children about! 60 00:02:33,499 --> 00:02:34,498 And that night, you sleep like you never have. 61 00:02:34,499 --> 00:02:37,498 You sleep like a baby that just shot heroine. 62 00:02:37,499 --> 00:02:39,498 [laughter] 63 00:02:39,499 --> 00:02:42,498 Oh, that's a sleeping ass baby. 64 00:02:42,499 --> 00:02:44,498 You don't need comedy for that day. 65 00:02:44,499 --> 00:02:45,498 It's a good day. 66 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:50,498 You need comedy for those other days when you wake up wet. 67 00:02:50,499 --> 00:02:52,498 And you think, that's why I was dreaming 68 00:02:52,499 --> 00:02:55,498 about escaping from Mexico. 69 00:02:55,499 --> 00:02:56,498 And you look over the edge of the bed, 70 00:02:56,499 --> 00:02:58,498 and you notice four inches of water on the floor. 71 00:02:58,499 --> 00:02:59,498 And it's dripping from the ceiling. 72 00:02:59,499 --> 00:03:00,498 And you realize the $1,200 you paid 73 00:03:00,499 --> 00:03:03,498 your plumber, he used for strip clubs and lottery tickets. 74 00:03:03,499 --> 00:03:07,334 And the darkness creeps a little further inside your skull, 75 00:03:07,499 --> 00:03:08,498 because you know that this house you 76 00:03:08,499 --> 00:03:11,498 bought in 2006 before the market crashed 77 00:03:11,499 --> 00:03:12,498 is even further underwater. 78 00:03:12,499 --> 00:03:14,498 And this time, it's not a fucking metaphor! 79 00:03:14,499 --> 00:03:18,499 [laughter] 80 00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:21,498 And you're going to have to use the kid's college fund 81 00:03:21,499 --> 00:03:21,583 to pay for the damage. 82 00:03:22,499 --> 00:03:23,498 Great. 83 00:03:23,499 --> 00:03:24,498 So now, I've got deal with this sentence for the next 15 years. 84 00:03:24,499 --> 00:03:26,498 Dude, your house is beautiful. 85 00:03:26,499 --> 00:03:28,498 When'd your kid get out of county? 86 00:03:28,499 --> 00:03:31,498 And the darkness creeps a little further inside your skull. 87 00:03:31,499 --> 00:03:32,499 And they think, hold on. 88 00:03:33,042 --> 00:03:33,499 I don't have to use any of the kid's college funds. 89 00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:34,498 Screw that. 90 00:03:34,499 --> 00:03:35,498 I have life insurance. 91 00:03:35,499 --> 00:03:36,498 I'll just kill myself. 92 00:03:36,499 --> 00:03:37,499 [manic laughter] 93 00:03:38,499 --> 00:03:39,292 I'm already on antidepressants. 94 00:03:39,499 --> 00:03:41,498 They can just blame that. 95 00:03:41,499 --> 00:03:42,498 Thank you for waiting. 96 00:03:42,499 --> 00:03:43,498 Wait, wait, wait. Why should I kill myself? 97 00:03:43,499 --> 00:03:43,499 Screw that. 98 00:03:44,499 --> 00:03:45,498 You know what? 99 00:03:45,499 --> 00:03:46,498 I'm going to go down to Walmart, and get a rifle, 100 00:03:46,499 --> 00:03:47,499 and then go to the mall and play duck, duck, goose. 101 00:03:48,499 --> 00:03:48,499 That's what I'm going to do. 102 00:03:49,499 --> 00:03:50,498 And then you figure, hold on. 103 00:03:50,499 --> 00:03:53,498 I can't do that either, because everybody's doing it. 104 00:03:53,499 --> 00:03:57,498 [laughter] 105 00:03:57,499 --> 00:03:59,498 So to calm down, you stopped by your local Peet's Tea, 106 00:03:59,499 --> 00:04:01,498 Seattle's best star job, a buck's 107 00:04:01,499 --> 00:04:04,498 dark roasted crack house for your morning cup of control. 108 00:04:04,499 --> 00:04:05,498 That's right. 109 00:04:05,499 --> 00:04:08,498 I said control, because none of us like paying $5 for coffee. 110 00:04:08,499 --> 00:04:09,498 But for a second, at that counter, 111 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:10,498 you get to run your life. 112 00:04:10,499 --> 00:04:11,499 Hi. 113 00:04:12,499 --> 00:04:13,498 I'd like a skinny vanilla latte, two 114 00:04:13,499 --> 00:04:14,499 extra pumps of syrup, 190 degrees, and this much foam 115 00:04:15,499 --> 00:04:15,499 on the top. 116 00:04:16,499 --> 00:04:16,499 And you hear yourself order. 117 00:04:17,499 --> 00:04:18,498 And you realize, oh my god. 118 00:04:18,499 --> 00:04:20,498 I'm a douche. 119 00:04:20,499 --> 00:04:21,498 Wow! 120 00:04:21,499 --> 00:04:24,499 [applause] 121 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,498 If my father would have heard me order that, 122 00:04:27,499 --> 00:04:29,498 he would hit me in the testicles with a business 123 00:04:29,499 --> 00:04:31,498 end of an Oldsmobile Delta '88. 124 00:04:31,499 --> 00:04:34,498 And the darkness creeps a little further inside your skull. 125 00:04:34,499 --> 00:04:35,498 But then you notice the barista. 126 00:04:35,499 --> 00:04:37,498 But first, you have to face the fact 127 00:04:37,499 --> 00:04:41,499 that you just knowingly out loud used the word, "barista." 128 00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:43,498 But he's amazing. 129 00:04:43,499 --> 00:04:44,498 He's doing six drinks at one time. 130 00:04:44,499 --> 00:04:45,498 And he's doing it all with one hand. 131 00:04:45,499 --> 00:04:47,498 And you're like, that's what I'm talking about. 132 00:04:47,499 --> 00:04:49,498 Excellence in America, someone who loves their job, 133 00:04:49,499 --> 00:04:50,498 and he does it with style. 134 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:51,498 And then you realize, ah shit. 135 00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:52,498 He's only got one hand. 136 00:04:52,499 --> 00:04:54,498 [laughter] 137 00:04:54,499 --> 00:04:56,498 And you see the little purple heart 138 00:04:56,499 --> 00:04:57,499 medal stuck to his little corporate coffee 139 00:04:58,499 --> 00:04:59,498 visor they make them wear. 140 00:04:59,499 --> 00:05:00,542 Yeah, the visor that says, if you start your day with us, 141 00:05:01,499 --> 00:05:02,498 you'll never be "latte" for work again. 142 00:05:02,499 --> 00:05:03,499 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 143 00:05:04,499 --> 00:05:07,498 And you vomit a little bit in the back of your throat 144 00:05:07,499 --> 00:05:09,498 as you realize that this man that put everything on the line 145 00:05:09,499 --> 00:05:11,498 for this great country is serving asse-chinos 146 00:05:11,499 --> 00:05:14,498 for minimum wage, and the darkest creeps a little further 147 00:05:14,499 --> 00:05:15,498 inside your skull. 148 00:05:15,499 --> 00:05:17,498 But then he puts your morning cup of sunshine right 149 00:05:17,499 --> 00:05:18,498 in front of you. 150 00:05:18,499 --> 00:05:19,498 Thanks man. 151 00:05:19,499 --> 00:05:22,498 And you take that first perfect, life-affirming sip-- (SINGING) 152 00:05:22,499 --> 00:05:24,498 Ah. 153 00:05:24,499 --> 00:05:26,498 Mmm. 154 00:05:26,499 --> 00:05:28,498 Pft, pft! 155 00:05:28,499 --> 00:05:34,498 Ah-- (YELLING) this is a mocha! 156 00:05:34,499 --> 00:05:35,498 Nobody here lost your arm. 157 00:05:35,499 --> 00:05:37,498 You obviously don't pay attention, man! 158 00:05:37,499 --> 00:05:39,498 It's written on the side of the damn cup! 159 00:05:39,499 --> 00:05:41,498 But you don't say that, because then 160 00:05:41,499 --> 00:05:42,498 you don't support the troops. 161 00:05:42,499 --> 00:05:43,498 But guess what? 162 00:05:43,499 --> 00:05:44,498 I do support the troops, but it's only coffee. 163 00:05:44,499 --> 00:05:46,499 How did you dick that up, Gomer Pyle? 164 00:05:50,499 --> 00:05:53,498 And you hear yourself screaming inside your own head. 165 00:05:53,499 --> 00:05:54,498 And you realize, oh god. 166 00:05:54,499 --> 00:05:57,498 I'm the one with PTSD. 167 00:05:57,499 --> 00:05:59,498 And you know if you don't get some help right away, 168 00:05:59,499 --> 00:06:00,498 you're going to be on the news tonight. 169 00:06:00,499 --> 00:06:04,498 And the words used to describe you are standoff and loner. 170 00:06:04,499 --> 00:06:06,498 And while you're standing there trying to get it together, 171 00:06:06,499 --> 00:06:08,498 the barista goes, dude, are you OK? 172 00:06:08,499 --> 00:06:09,499 And you go, no! 173 00:06:11,709 --> 00:06:13,499 I just need a good laugh! 174 00:06:17,499 --> 00:06:19,498 And that's why we're here tonight. 175 00:06:19,499 --> 00:06:21,499 [cheering] 176 00:06:24,881 --> 00:06:26,880 We've got school shootings, terrorism, Bank 177 00:06:26,881 --> 00:06:28,880 of America customer service. 178 00:06:28,881 --> 00:06:31,880 [laughter] 179 00:06:31,881 --> 00:06:32,880 Sorry. 180 00:06:32,881 --> 00:06:34,880 I told the guy on the phone, I'm going to talk about every show. 181 00:06:34,881 --> 00:06:37,880 I swear to God, fix it. or I talk about you every show. 182 00:06:37,881 --> 00:06:40,881 [cheering] 183 00:06:45,881 --> 00:06:47,880 Thank god Iraq worked out, and we're cool with Russia now. 184 00:06:47,881 --> 00:06:49,880 And we're not importing Ebola. 185 00:06:49,881 --> 00:06:50,880 What a great time to live. 186 00:06:50,881 --> 00:06:53,881 [laughter] 187 00:06:55,881 --> 00:06:56,881 We've got a new boutique terrorist group. 188 00:06:56,965 --> 00:06:59,880 Now, do terrorists do demographic research? 189 00:06:59,881 --> 00:07:03,880 You know, terrorists are supposed to terrorize us. 190 00:07:03,881 --> 00:07:06,880 They have bombed Boston and New York. 191 00:07:06,881 --> 00:07:07,880 You don't terrorize though. 192 00:07:07,881 --> 00:07:09,880 You can stab someone in New York. 193 00:07:09,881 --> 00:07:12,880 And they go, I'm walking! 194 00:07:12,881 --> 00:07:15,880 People in Boston beat each other's ass over hockey 195 00:07:15,881 --> 00:07:17,880 when they like the same team. 196 00:07:17,881 --> 00:07:19,881 [laughter] 197 00:07:20,881 --> 00:07:21,880 That's who you bomb? 198 00:07:21,881 --> 00:07:22,880 Terrorists, go after Seattle. 199 00:07:22,881 --> 00:07:24,880 It's just stoners and lesbians, man. 200 00:07:24,881 --> 00:07:29,880 You can, you can terrorize Seattle with pimento loaf. 201 00:07:29,881 --> 00:07:32,880 Hey man, they've got some weird meat, and it's not gluten free. 202 00:07:32,881 --> 00:07:34,880 Get the Subaru and the kayak. 203 00:07:34,881 --> 00:07:36,174 We're out of here! 204 00:07:36,881 --> 00:07:39,881 [cheering] 205 00:07:40,881 --> 00:07:42,880 Boston? 206 00:07:42,881 --> 00:07:44,880 Really, Boston? 207 00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:46,880 The second that bomb went off in Boston, everybody in Boston-- 208 00:07:46,881 --> 00:07:47,880 (BOSTON ACCENT) we're going to find these guys, 209 00:07:47,881 --> 00:07:50,880 and they're going to end up bleeding out in a boat. 210 00:07:50,881 --> 00:07:52,880 [laughter] 211 00:07:52,881 --> 00:07:54,880 And what is your political stance bombing 212 00:07:54,881 --> 00:07:56,880 the Boston Marathon? (SHOUTING) We 213 00:07:56,881 --> 00:07:57,881 will never let the Reebok covered foot of oppression 214 00:07:58,881 --> 00:07:59,880 hold us down! 215 00:07:59,881 --> 00:08:04,880 How bad can you hate sweatbands, booty socks, and Kenyans? 216 00:08:04,881 --> 00:08:06,881 [laughter] 217 00:08:08,881 --> 00:08:11,880 Those are black people that run really fast, Santa Barbara. 218 00:08:11,881 --> 00:08:14,880 [laughter] 219 00:08:14,881 --> 00:08:15,880 Yeah, look it up. 220 00:08:15,881 --> 00:08:16,880 I know. 221 00:08:16,881 --> 00:08:19,881 [cheering] 222 00:08:21,674 --> 00:08:24,880 What is this black person he speaks of? 223 00:08:24,881 --> 00:08:26,881 [laughter] 224 00:08:31,881 --> 00:08:34,880 I don't understand terrorizing America. 225 00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:35,880 I don't understand the hatred for America. 226 00:08:35,881 --> 00:08:37,880 I don't get it. 227 00:08:37,881 --> 00:08:38,880 How can you spend 30 minutes in our country and be pissed? 228 00:08:38,881 --> 00:08:43,880 We have strip clubs and go kart tracks everywhere-- 229 00:08:43,881 --> 00:08:46,881 sometimes, in the same complex, because it's 230 00:08:47,383 --> 00:08:50,508 hard to find a sitter. 231 00:08:50,881 --> 00:08:51,881 [laughter] 232 00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:54,880 We're innovative damn it. 233 00:08:54,881 --> 00:08:55,880 I know why these people are pissed. 234 00:08:55,881 --> 00:08:56,880 I get why terrorists are mad. 235 00:08:56,881 --> 00:08:59,880 They were born in some horrible, sand-covered nightmare. 236 00:08:59,881 --> 00:09:02,880 It's 120 degrees all the time you know. 237 00:09:02,881 --> 00:09:05,880 The best view you can have is an oil rig and camel ass. 238 00:09:05,881 --> 00:09:08,880 That's pretty much all you get, you know? 239 00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:12,880 It's summer all the time, but not a bikini to be seen. 240 00:09:12,881 --> 00:09:15,880 I mean, you've got to masturbate to a woman blinking fast. 241 00:09:15,881 --> 00:09:17,880 I understand. 242 00:09:17,881 --> 00:09:19,881 [laughter] 243 00:09:26,881 --> 00:09:28,674 But why hate America, you know? 244 00:09:28,881 --> 00:09:29,880 We love our immigrants here. 245 00:09:29,881 --> 00:09:30,880 Come to our country. 246 00:09:30,881 --> 00:09:32,880 Enjoy the fruits of this great land! 247 00:09:32,881 --> 00:09:32,881 And then when you go-- 248 00:09:33,881 --> 00:09:33,881 [cheering] 249 00:09:33,882 --> 00:09:34,880 Yes! 250 00:09:34,881 --> 00:09:36,880 Yes! 251 00:09:36,881 --> 00:09:40,880 And then when you go home to visit, blow some shit up there. 252 00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:42,880 That's where you got mad. 253 00:09:42,881 --> 00:09:43,880 You want to know-- you want to know 254 00:09:43,881 --> 00:09:44,880 how amazing our country is? 255 00:09:44,881 --> 00:09:45,880 Here's how amazing America is. 256 00:09:45,881 --> 00:09:46,881 We have people from this country right now 257 00:09:47,881 --> 00:09:50,880 that should be terrorists, and they're not. 258 00:09:50,881 --> 00:09:52,880 If a bomb went off tomorrow and the Cherokee 259 00:09:52,881 --> 00:09:55,880 Nation claimed responsibility, we would all go, OK. 260 00:09:55,881 --> 00:09:55,881 Yeah. 261 00:09:56,466 --> 00:09:56,881 All right, sure. 262 00:09:56,882 --> 00:09:57,880 Yeah. 263 00:09:57,881 --> 00:09:58,880 Yeah. 264 00:09:58,881 --> 00:09:59,880 I get it. 265 00:09:59,881 --> 00:10:01,880 Totally get it, yeah. 266 00:10:01,881 --> 00:10:02,880 Yeah. 267 00:10:02,881 --> 00:10:05,880 You, you would see Anderson Cooper. 268 00:10:05,881 --> 00:10:07,880 The FBI has determined it definitely 269 00:10:07,881 --> 00:10:09,880 was the Cherokee nation that committed 270 00:10:09,881 --> 00:10:10,880 this heinous and brutal act. 271 00:10:10,881 --> 00:10:13,880 The FBI has responded with this statement. 272 00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:14,880 We're cool. 273 00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:16,880 [laughter] 274 00:10:16,881 --> 00:10:20,880 Frankly, we're surprised it took this long. 275 00:10:20,881 --> 00:10:22,880 We knew the casinos would not be enough. 276 00:10:22,881 --> 00:10:25,880 [laughter] 277 00:10:25,881 --> 00:10:28,880 And I'm very tired of hearing about terrorism, because you 278 00:10:28,881 --> 00:10:29,880 know, it's bad enough, sure. 279 00:10:29,881 --> 00:10:30,880 But we hear about it all the time. 280 00:10:30,881 --> 00:10:32,880 And I got scared awhile back. 281 00:10:32,881 --> 00:10:34,880 I was like, well, how much terrorism is there really? 282 00:10:34,881 --> 00:10:36,880 So I went to that pressure cooker bomb 283 00:10:36,881 --> 00:10:37,880 making website they're already talking about, 284 00:10:37,881 --> 00:10:39,880 you know, to see how many people would hit it. 285 00:10:39,881 --> 00:10:41,880 And I'm sure I'm going to have no problem getting 286 00:10:41,881 --> 00:10:44,880 on an airplane for the next two years. 287 00:10:44,881 --> 00:10:45,880 I wasn't thinking. 288 00:10:45,881 --> 00:10:47,880 But I'm going to be the guy at TSA going, 289 00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:50,880 I was trying to write some jokes! 290 00:10:50,881 --> 00:10:51,881 Ow, ow, ow! 291 00:10:54,881 --> 00:10:56,881 [applause] 292 00:10:58,881 --> 00:10:59,880 I go to the website. 293 00:10:59,881 --> 00:11:02,880 33 plus thousand people had hit the pressure 294 00:11:02,881 --> 00:11:03,880 cooker bomb making website. 295 00:11:03,881 --> 00:11:05,880 That's a lot of terrorism, right? 296 00:11:05,881 --> 00:11:07,880 And I got freaked out. 297 00:11:07,881 --> 00:11:11,880 So then I went to kittens plays with yarn. 298 00:11:11,881 --> 00:11:12,880 [sighs] 299 00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:14,880 6.2 million hits. 300 00:11:14,881 --> 00:11:15,880 Yes! 301 00:11:15,881 --> 00:11:17,880 Yes! 302 00:11:17,881 --> 00:11:21,880 Oh, we are a furry creature loving people. 303 00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:22,880 I will tell you what. 304 00:11:22,881 --> 00:11:25,881 I put 6.2 million cat people up against 30,000 terrorists 305 00:11:26,881 --> 00:11:27,880 any day of the week. 306 00:11:27,881 --> 00:11:29,880 Yeah, you get all your little terrorists 307 00:11:29,881 --> 00:11:31,880 together in a stadium. (ACCENT) We are 30,000 strong. 308 00:11:31,881 --> 00:11:33,880 We're going to destroy this imperialistic nation. 309 00:11:33,881 --> 00:11:36,881 Oh, no you aren't, you son of a bitch. 310 00:11:37,881 --> 00:11:39,880 [cheering] 311 00:11:39,881 --> 00:11:43,880 Do you see how many of us there are my friend? 312 00:11:43,881 --> 00:11:46,880 That better be a goulash in that pot, 313 00:11:46,881 --> 00:11:48,880 or myself and Captain Jack Sparrow eater 314 00:11:48,881 --> 00:11:50,880 are going to be up your ass. 315 00:11:50,881 --> 00:11:51,881 [laughter] 316 00:11:53,710 --> 00:11:55,709 That's how religion be getting it since the beginning of time. 317 00:11:55,710 --> 00:11:56,709 Armageddon is coming. 318 00:11:56,710 --> 00:11:58,709 End of the world is upon us. 319 00:11:58,710 --> 00:11:59,709 You better get ready for judgment day. 320 00:11:59,710 --> 00:12:01,709 Armageddon is coming! 321 00:12:01,710 --> 00:12:04,709 And if you're not good, you're going to go to the bad place 322 00:12:04,710 --> 00:12:09,709 with the burning fire and icy toilet sheets. 323 00:12:09,710 --> 00:12:12,709 Personal hell. 324 00:12:12,710 --> 00:12:14,709 Armageddon's coming. 325 00:12:14,710 --> 00:12:15,709 They've been talking about it since the beginning of time. 326 00:12:15,710 --> 00:12:21,709 Well, I say, bring it on, because some of us need to go. 327 00:12:21,710 --> 00:12:25,710 [laughter] 328 00:12:28,710 --> 00:12:31,709 Do you know who I'm pissed at more than anybody right now? 329 00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:32,710 The Mayans. 330 00:12:36,710 --> 00:12:38,709 I'm sorry. 331 00:12:38,710 --> 00:12:39,709 World was supposed to end December 21st, 2012. 332 00:12:39,710 --> 00:12:41,709 I didn't buy anybody Christmas presents. 333 00:12:41,710 --> 00:12:42,709 I look like a dick. 334 00:12:42,710 --> 00:12:45,710 [laughter] 335 00:12:46,710 --> 00:12:50,709 Do you know how much dried food I own right now? 336 00:12:50,710 --> 00:12:52,709 I have four months of dry food for three people. 337 00:12:52,710 --> 00:12:56,709 And you can't just snack on it during the playoffs, 338 00:12:56,710 --> 00:12:57,710 because what if Armageddon happens? 339 00:12:58,710 --> 00:12:59,709 Then you screwed the box all up. 340 00:12:59,710 --> 00:13:00,709 You get to the end after Armageddon, 341 00:13:00,710 --> 00:13:02,709 you've got to eat one of the kids. 342 00:13:02,710 --> 00:13:03,709 And which kid do you eat? 343 00:13:03,710 --> 00:13:04,709 The big one that feeds more people? 344 00:13:04,710 --> 00:13:06,709 The little one who makes a better sauce? 345 00:13:06,710 --> 00:13:07,709 What do you do? 346 00:13:07,710 --> 00:13:09,710 [laughter] 347 00:13:11,710 --> 00:13:13,710 Aren't you guys preppers? 348 00:13:14,710 --> 00:13:16,709 If you have not decided which child you're going 349 00:13:16,710 --> 00:13:17,709 to eat first after Armageddon, you 350 00:13:17,710 --> 00:13:19,709 cannot call yourself a prepper. 351 00:13:19,710 --> 00:13:21,709 [laughter] 352 00:13:21,710 --> 00:13:23,710 I spray painted mine 1 and 2. 353 00:13:25,710 --> 00:13:27,709 Kids, what are you guys doing, playing soccer in the backyard? 354 00:13:27,710 --> 00:13:28,709 Get in here, and play video games. 355 00:13:28,710 --> 00:13:30,709 Don't get tough. 356 00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,709 [laughter] 357 00:13:32,710 --> 00:13:33,710 So because the Mayans screwed it up, because how 358 00:13:33,794 --> 00:13:37,709 could a 5,000 year old dead society that wore loin cloths 359 00:13:37,710 --> 00:13:39,709 and threw teenagers into volcanoes 360 00:13:39,710 --> 00:13:42,709 possibly have missed the Armageddon date? 361 00:13:42,710 --> 00:13:44,709 I think we need to legislate Armageddon day. 362 00:13:44,710 --> 00:13:45,709 Here's my pitch. 363 00:13:45,710 --> 00:13:47,709 For the next seven years, five days 364 00:13:47,710 --> 00:13:49,709 a month, we have Armageddon day. 365 00:13:49,710 --> 00:13:51,709 No rules whatsoever. 366 00:13:51,710 --> 00:13:54,629 Total anarchy, like when Detroit wins a championship. 367 00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:55,709 [laughter] 368 00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:57,709 That's right. 369 00:13:57,710 --> 00:14:00,709 Just bullets and fire man. 370 00:14:00,710 --> 00:14:01,709 And the people that don't have their heads 371 00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:03,709 on swivels that aren't paying attention 372 00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:05,709 will get taken out as well. 373 00:14:05,710 --> 00:14:07,709 They should. 374 00:14:07,710 --> 00:14:09,709 So who do I think is the first group should 375 00:14:09,710 --> 00:14:10,709 be taken out on Armageddon day? 376 00:14:10,710 --> 00:14:12,709 Level one person? 377 00:14:12,710 --> 00:14:15,709 Anybody who wears pajamas in public. 378 00:14:15,710 --> 00:14:18,709 [cheering] 379 00:14:18,710 --> 00:14:22,710 Now, that, that isn't the actual problem that you're wearing 380 00:14:23,462 --> 00:14:23,710 pajamas. 381 00:14:24,503 --> 00:14:25,709 But you made that decision. 382 00:14:25,710 --> 00:14:27,709 You're going to get us all killed in Armageddon. 383 00:14:27,710 --> 00:14:30,709 If you have the balls to wear Spongebob flannel pajamas 384 00:14:30,710 --> 00:14:32,709 in the mall, you need to climb into the wood 385 00:14:32,710 --> 00:14:34,709 chipper on your own. 386 00:14:34,710 --> 00:14:37,709 [cheering] 387 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,709 You're not helping. 388 00:14:39,710 --> 00:14:40,709 Level two person? 389 00:14:40,710 --> 00:14:42,709 Unless you're 95, anybody who can't make a simple 390 00:14:42,710 --> 00:14:43,709 left across three lanes of traffic, 391 00:14:43,710 --> 00:14:44,709 unless there's a light year between them 392 00:14:44,710 --> 00:14:46,709 and the oncoming vehicle. 393 00:14:46,710 --> 00:14:47,709 Now, on Armageddon day, the guy behind him, 394 00:14:47,710 --> 00:14:49,709 totally within his legal rights to pull 395 00:14:49,710 --> 00:14:52,709 a double barreled Mossberg and vaporize that guy's head. 396 00:14:52,710 --> 00:14:54,709 Then the torso would fall forward, 397 00:14:54,710 --> 00:14:56,710 and the car would clear the intersection! 398 00:15:01,710 --> 00:15:05,709 And productivity would rise 3.7%. 399 00:15:05,710 --> 00:15:08,709 Level three person, and this one may piss you off Santa Barbara. 400 00:15:08,710 --> 00:15:10,709 I only give them level three status, because of 401 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:13,709 their cardiovascular fitness. 402 00:15:13,710 --> 00:15:16,709 Bicyclists who believe they deserve 403 00:15:16,710 --> 00:15:18,709 an entire lane of traffic. 404 00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:20,709 [cheering] 405 00:15:20,710 --> 00:15:21,709 Really? 406 00:15:21,710 --> 00:15:23,709 OK. 407 00:15:23,710 --> 00:15:25,709 Now, really? 408 00:15:25,710 --> 00:15:27,710 Really, you need a whole lane? 409 00:15:28,378 --> 00:15:30,709 The bike is that wide. 410 00:15:30,710 --> 00:15:34,709 You're obviously an alcoholic. 411 00:15:34,710 --> 00:15:35,709 But it's a law. 412 00:15:35,710 --> 00:15:36,709 But it's a law. 413 00:15:36,710 --> 00:15:37,709 But it's a law, ching, ching. 414 00:15:37,710 --> 00:15:38,709 It's a law. 415 00:15:38,710 --> 00:15:43,709 Yeah, well, the laws of physics say something different. 416 00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:47,710 [cheering] 417 00:15:50,710 --> 00:15:54,710 And I believe that supersedes man's law. 418 00:15:58,710 --> 00:15:59,709 And I know I'm being a dick right now. 419 00:15:59,710 --> 00:16:03,462 I get it, because I don't think I would last 420 00:16:03,710 --> 00:16:04,709 very long on Armageddon day. 421 00:16:04,710 --> 00:16:06,709 I'd make it to maybe level five. 422 00:16:06,710 --> 00:16:08,709 And then you guys would just turn around one day. 423 00:16:08,710 --> 00:16:10,709 You'd go, you know what Titus? 424 00:16:10,710 --> 00:16:13,709 All you do is bitch. 425 00:16:13,710 --> 00:16:14,709 And I'd be so happy. 426 00:16:14,710 --> 00:16:16,709 I made level five! 427 00:16:16,710 --> 00:16:18,709 Level seven, level eight, muscle guys. 428 00:16:18,710 --> 00:16:19,709 You're a big muscle guy. 429 00:16:19,710 --> 00:16:21,709 You can bench press double your body weight. 430 00:16:21,710 --> 00:16:22,709 You're going to make the level seven easy, because we're going 431 00:16:22,710 --> 00:16:24,961 to need you after Armageddon to hold stuff up 432 00:16:25,710 --> 00:16:26,709 while we renail it. 433 00:16:26,710 --> 00:16:29,709 [laughter] 434 00:16:29,710 --> 00:16:30,710 And if you're a muscle guy with a Ph.D., 435 00:16:31,710 --> 00:16:32,709 you'll last until the end. 436 00:16:32,710 --> 00:16:34,709 But if you're a muscle guy, that's all you've got, 437 00:16:34,710 --> 00:16:36,709 you know the guy in the gym that can curl two 438 00:16:36,710 --> 00:16:38,709 85 pound dumbbells 15 times. 439 00:16:38,710 --> 00:16:40,709 But then for some reason, on the last rep, 440 00:16:40,710 --> 00:16:42,709 feels the need to slam them to the floor, 441 00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:46,710 scaring the hell out of everyone, and then he goes, ah! 442 00:16:51,710 --> 00:16:53,710 [applause] 443 00:16:53,794 --> 00:16:55,709 Did you have a stroke man? 444 00:16:55,710 --> 00:16:56,709 What just happened? 445 00:16:56,710 --> 00:16:59,709 Did your nervous system collapse in on itself? 446 00:16:59,710 --> 00:17:01,709 Same guy gets instant Alzheimer's and just 447 00:17:01,710 --> 00:17:02,710 walks away from the weights. 448 00:17:05,710 --> 00:17:06,710 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. 449 00:17:07,337 --> 00:17:09,709 Colton, come here. 450 00:17:09,710 --> 00:17:10,709 See these things on the side of the weights? 451 00:17:10,710 --> 00:17:12,709 Those are called numbers, and they 452 00:17:12,710 --> 00:17:14,709 match numbers on that rack. 453 00:17:14,710 --> 00:17:16,709 And if you can't figure that out, 454 00:17:16,710 --> 00:17:18,709 maybe you could spray paint duckies and bunnies, 455 00:17:18,710 --> 00:17:20,709 and you can match the animals. 456 00:17:20,710 --> 00:17:23,710 [cheering] 457 00:17:26,710 --> 00:17:28,709 You should only be able to lift a weight 458 00:17:28,710 --> 00:17:32,709 that you can count up to. 459 00:17:32,710 --> 00:17:34,709 And dude, I love the dragon tattoo. 460 00:17:34,710 --> 00:17:35,709 I guess if you don't feel it on the inside, 461 00:17:35,710 --> 00:17:38,709 you've got to paint it on the outside. 462 00:17:38,710 --> 00:17:40,709 I know that's an expensive joke for a lot 463 00:17:40,710 --> 00:17:41,710 of people in California. 464 00:17:45,710 --> 00:17:47,629 [whistling] 465 00:17:47,710 --> 00:17:50,709 It's a Bengal tiger dick head. 466 00:17:50,710 --> 00:17:51,709 It's my spirit animal. 467 00:17:51,710 --> 00:17:56,709 And if you've ever said the words, it's my spirit animal, 468 00:17:56,710 --> 00:17:58,709 you're a major douchebag. 469 00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:00,710 [cheering] 470 00:18:01,710 --> 00:18:02,709 And a level one. 471 00:18:02,710 --> 00:18:05,710 Unless, you're Cherokee, and then I'm fine. 472 00:18:09,710 --> 00:18:11,709 I'm saying, we need a tune up people. 473 00:18:11,710 --> 00:18:13,709 Currently, right now, we're the softest, fatest, 474 00:18:13,710 --> 00:18:15,709 most self-centered beings on the planet. 475 00:18:15,710 --> 00:18:18,709 And those are the people I like. 476 00:18:18,710 --> 00:18:20,709 We are drug addicted, and porn consumed, 477 00:18:20,710 --> 00:18:22,709 airbag and bubble wrapped, overfed, 478 00:18:22,710 --> 00:18:24,709 but undernourished, on antipsychotics, 479 00:18:24,710 --> 00:18:28,709 but still crazier than Gary Busey on bath salts in Florida. 480 00:18:28,710 --> 00:18:29,709 [cheering] 481 00:18:29,710 --> 00:18:30,710 Everybody. 482 00:18:32,409 --> 00:18:33,408 We need a tune up. 483 00:18:33,409 --> 00:18:35,108 We need a tune up man. 484 00:18:35,109 --> 00:18:36,108 And I know I'm making fun of us right now. 485 00:18:36,109 --> 00:18:37,108 I know I'm making fun of human beings 486 00:18:37,109 --> 00:18:39,108 right now, because we're in a bad place. 487 00:18:39,109 --> 00:18:41,108 But the other side of us is amazing. 488 00:18:41,109 --> 00:18:42,108 The things we've come up with, we're incredible. 489 00:18:42,109 --> 00:18:46,109 We're the baddest ass species to ever walk this planet man. 490 00:18:46,736 --> 00:18:48,108 That's why we are the apex predator. 491 00:18:48,109 --> 00:18:50,108 My god! 492 00:18:50,109 --> 00:18:51,108 We survived the ice age, because we used our big brains, 493 00:18:51,109 --> 00:18:53,108 and we invented hot chocolate. 494 00:18:53,109 --> 00:18:56,108 [laughter] 495 00:18:56,109 --> 00:18:59,108 I'm not a scientist. 496 00:18:59,109 --> 00:19:01,108 When the Black Plague tried to wipe us out-- 497 00:19:01,109 --> 00:19:02,108 I'm not talking about Civil Rights-- 498 00:19:02,109 --> 00:19:08,108 what I'm talking about-- is the plague 499 00:19:08,109 --> 00:19:09,108 that swept through Europe. 500 00:19:09,109 --> 00:19:10,109 And I'm not talking about the French. 501 00:19:11,109 --> 00:19:15,108 What I'm talking about-- but we got smart. 502 00:19:15,109 --> 00:19:17,108 We started copping into our sleeves. 503 00:19:17,109 --> 00:19:18,108 You stop wiping boogers on our friends. 504 00:19:18,109 --> 00:19:22,108 We stopped making cheeseburgers from the dead. 505 00:19:22,109 --> 00:19:24,109 [laughter] 506 00:19:27,109 --> 00:19:29,108 We are the only animal that thinks about the future. 507 00:19:29,109 --> 00:19:31,108 No other animal thinks about the future. 508 00:19:31,109 --> 00:19:33,108 We're the only animal that thinks about the future. 509 00:19:33,109 --> 00:19:34,108 That's it. 510 00:19:34,109 --> 00:19:35,108 That's why we invented vaccines. 511 00:19:35,109 --> 00:19:37,108 No other animal came up with vaccines. 512 00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:38,108 You don't see the dogs getting together. 513 00:19:38,109 --> 00:19:41,108 Guys, this parvo thing is really jacking us up. 514 00:19:41,109 --> 00:19:43,108 Everybody kick in a T-bone for a research grant, 515 00:19:43,109 --> 00:19:45,108 I think we'll be cool. 516 00:19:45,109 --> 00:19:46,108 Maybe we could make some more money by selling t-shirts. 517 00:19:46,109 --> 00:19:48,109 I know we all hate wearing t-shirts. 518 00:19:51,109 --> 00:19:52,108 And these vaccines are incredible. 519 00:19:52,109 --> 00:19:54,777 We've eradicated horrible diseases with these vaccines. 520 00:19:55,109 --> 00:19:58,108 And sure, these vaccines may or may not cause autism. 521 00:19:58,109 --> 00:19:59,108 But you've got to break a few eggs. 522 00:19:59,109 --> 00:20:02,109 [laughter] 523 00:20:08,109 --> 00:20:09,108 We invented airplanes. 524 00:20:09,109 --> 00:20:13,108 That's metal that flies. 525 00:20:13,109 --> 00:20:17,108 And those planes get where they're going most of the time, 526 00:20:17,109 --> 00:20:19,109 if they stay out of Russian airspace. 527 00:20:21,109 --> 00:20:22,108 All right. 528 00:20:22,109 --> 00:20:24,108 I've got another one. 529 00:20:24,109 --> 00:20:25,108 [laughter] 530 00:20:25,109 --> 00:20:28,108 Those planes get where they're going most of the time, 531 00:20:28,109 --> 00:20:30,108 if we can locate them. 532 00:20:30,109 --> 00:20:32,109 [laughter] 533 00:20:32,986 --> 00:20:34,108 Yeah. 534 00:20:34,109 --> 00:20:36,109 You do realize that we just kind of forgot about 300 people that 535 00:20:37,109 --> 00:20:38,108 went down in the ocean, right? 536 00:20:38,109 --> 00:20:39,108 Yeah. 537 00:20:39,109 --> 00:20:41,108 We looked around for three months. 538 00:20:41,109 --> 00:20:42,108 But the NFL started a new season. 539 00:20:42,109 --> 00:20:43,108 Fuck it. We've got to move on. 540 00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:43,109 Sorry. 541 00:20:43,110 --> 00:20:44,108 Sorry. 542 00:20:44,109 --> 00:20:44,110 Sorry. 543 00:20:45,109 --> 00:20:45,152 We gave it a shot. 544 00:20:46,109 --> 00:20:47,109 We gave it a shot. 545 00:20:51,109 --> 00:20:52,108 We're amazing. 546 00:20:52,109 --> 00:20:53,108 And what bothers me about us right now 547 00:20:53,109 --> 00:20:54,109 is that we're all so smart. 548 00:20:54,527 --> 00:20:57,108 Yet, we're waiting for other people to invent shit for us 549 00:20:57,109 --> 00:20:58,108 to buy. 550 00:20:58,109 --> 00:21:00,108 That's what bothers me the most right now. 551 00:21:00,109 --> 00:21:01,108 And all of us are smart enough to invent it. 552 00:21:01,109 --> 00:21:03,108 We even forgot about the cool stuff we already own. 553 00:21:03,109 --> 00:21:04,108 Cars-- cars are the coolest thing in the world, 554 00:21:04,109 --> 00:21:07,108 and they only kill 40,000 people a year. 555 00:21:07,109 --> 00:21:11,108 In a country of 400 million, I will roll those dice. 556 00:21:11,109 --> 00:21:13,109 Currently, I'm more afraid of the safety devices in my car. 557 00:21:14,109 --> 00:21:18,108 My new car has 11 airbags around me. 558 00:21:18,109 --> 00:21:19,108 I'm afraid I'm going to get in a bad accident. 559 00:21:19,109 --> 00:21:20,109 Everything's going to pop at once, 560 00:21:21,109 --> 00:21:22,108 and I'm going to suffocate. 561 00:21:22,109 --> 00:21:23,108 [laughter] 562 00:21:23,109 --> 00:21:25,109 [screaming] No-- poof. 563 00:21:29,109 --> 00:21:31,108 Mmm! 564 00:21:31,109 --> 00:21:32,108 Oh my god. 565 00:21:32,109 --> 00:21:34,108 Did you hear Titus died in a horrible car wreck? 566 00:21:34,109 --> 00:21:35,108 What happened to him? Nothing. 567 00:21:35,109 --> 00:21:36,108 Not a mark on him. 568 00:21:36,109 --> 00:21:37,109 Nothing. 569 00:21:41,109 --> 00:21:43,109 The new Mercedes S Class will drive 570 00:21:44,109 --> 00:21:46,108 itself up to 31 miles an hour. 571 00:21:46,109 --> 00:21:47,108 How great is that going to be when 572 00:21:47,109 --> 00:21:49,108 you're drunk leaving the club? 573 00:21:49,109 --> 00:21:51,109 [laughter] 574 00:21:55,109 --> 00:21:59,108 You could sleep through a two hour low speed police chase. 575 00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:02,109 [laughter] 576 00:22:09,109 --> 00:22:11,108 Cops finally get into the car, pull it over. 577 00:22:11,109 --> 00:22:12,108 Knock, knock, knock. 578 00:22:12,109 --> 00:22:14,108 Ah! 579 00:22:14,109 --> 00:22:17,108 Ugh! 580 00:22:17,109 --> 00:22:19,108 Oh. 581 00:22:19,109 --> 00:22:22,108 [laughter] 582 00:22:22,109 --> 00:22:24,108 It wasn't me. 583 00:22:24,109 --> 00:22:25,108 The car is German. 584 00:22:25,109 --> 00:22:27,108 It's very arrogant. 585 00:22:27,109 --> 00:22:31,109 [laughter] 586 00:22:32,109 --> 00:22:33,108 We are so smart. 587 00:22:33,109 --> 00:22:35,108 We're such an amazing species. 588 00:22:35,109 --> 00:22:36,108 We think of stuff we don't need. 589 00:22:36,109 --> 00:22:38,108 We thinking on the atomic level. 590 00:22:38,109 --> 00:22:39,108 We invented the atomic bomb. 591 00:22:39,109 --> 00:22:41,108 A horrible device, but it stopped World War II, 592 00:22:41,109 --> 00:22:43,109 and it inspired the Japanese to destroy 593 00:22:44,109 --> 00:22:46,108 our economy and our culture by inventing the PlayStation. 594 00:22:46,109 --> 00:22:48,109 [laughing] 595 00:22:49,109 --> 00:22:50,108 We're amazing people, we are amazing. 596 00:22:50,109 --> 00:22:52,108 The stuff we've invented, the stuff we come up with. 597 00:22:52,109 --> 00:22:53,108 We're amazing. 598 00:22:53,109 --> 00:22:54,108 That's for the apex predator. 599 00:22:54,109 --> 00:22:55,108 And the even cooler thing about it 600 00:22:55,109 --> 00:22:57,108 is that we're easily killed, that we 601 00:22:57,109 --> 00:22:59,108 invented all this cool stuff, that we're killed so easy. 602 00:22:59,109 --> 00:23:00,108 That's crazy. 603 00:23:00,109 --> 00:23:00,109 You don't think we're killed easy? 604 00:23:01,109 --> 00:23:02,108 OK. 605 00:23:02,109 --> 00:23:03,108 Have one too many tequilas tonight. 606 00:23:03,109 --> 00:23:06,108 You'll be high giving Jesus in the morning. 607 00:23:06,109 --> 00:23:07,108 And that's plant based. 608 00:23:07,109 --> 00:23:10,108 Bump your head in that soft spot right there, 609 00:23:10,109 --> 00:23:11,108 with 40 pounds of pressure. 610 00:23:11,109 --> 00:23:14,108 Oh-- all you muscle guys that are mad about the joke earlier, 611 00:23:14,109 --> 00:23:15,109 can't tell me I'm a human specimen. 612 00:23:16,109 --> 00:23:17,108 Bring it on. 613 00:23:17,109 --> 00:23:19,108 All I've got to do is write some fresh poop on a sharp stick, 614 00:23:19,109 --> 00:23:20,108 poke you really hard. 615 00:23:20,109 --> 00:23:21,109 Two days later, dead. 616 00:23:25,109 --> 00:23:27,108 Christopher Titus, budget assassin. 617 00:23:27,109 --> 00:23:32,109 [laughter] 618 00:23:38,109 --> 00:23:41,109 It's amazing to me that my dogs can eat a pound of cat crap, 619 00:23:41,527 --> 00:23:44,108 and they're fine. 620 00:23:44,109 --> 00:23:46,108 But if they want to show their fecal delicacy with me 621 00:23:46,109 --> 00:23:49,108 by licking my face twice, next day, I'm in ICU, 622 00:23:49,109 --> 00:23:50,109 eating lunch through a tube. 623 00:23:52,109 --> 00:23:54,108 We've saved our own asses, because we 624 00:23:54,109 --> 00:23:55,108 always think about the future. 625 00:23:55,109 --> 00:23:56,108 Now, what's coming to get us man? 626 00:23:56,109 --> 00:23:57,108 How do we save ourselves? 627 00:23:57,109 --> 00:23:58,108 What do I got to do next? 628 00:23:58,109 --> 00:24:00,108 My dogs do not have a future. 629 00:24:00,109 --> 00:24:03,108 Their entire life happens right here. 630 00:24:03,109 --> 00:24:05,108 Whatever's in front of them, that's it man. 631 00:24:05,109 --> 00:24:07,108 Put a piece of chicken in front of my dog, that's it. 632 00:24:07,109 --> 00:24:08,108 Their life is over for the day. 633 00:24:08,109 --> 00:24:10,108 Chicken! 634 00:24:10,109 --> 00:24:11,108 There has always been chicken. 635 00:24:11,109 --> 00:24:12,108 There will always be chicken. 636 00:24:12,109 --> 00:24:13,108 Chicken is the best thing in the world-- chicken. 637 00:24:13,109 --> 00:24:14,108 Take that away, put a ball. 638 00:24:14,109 --> 00:24:15,109 Ball! 639 00:24:15,569 --> 00:24:16,108 I love ball. 640 00:24:16,109 --> 00:24:18,108 Ball's the best thing. 641 00:24:18,109 --> 00:24:19,108 Take ball, piss. 642 00:24:19,109 --> 00:24:20,109 Sock! 643 00:24:22,109 --> 00:24:24,109 It's the same reaction every time. 644 00:24:24,944 --> 00:24:26,108 It's amazing to watch. 645 00:24:26,109 --> 00:24:27,108 Put a piece of chicken front of us. 646 00:24:27,109 --> 00:24:29,108 Chicken! 647 00:24:29,109 --> 00:24:30,109 Man, I hope they cooked that long enough, 648 00:24:31,109 --> 00:24:34,108 no salmonella on that chicken. 649 00:24:34,109 --> 00:24:35,109 Is that what those black dots are? 650 00:24:36,109 --> 00:24:37,108 Is that salmonella? 651 00:24:37,109 --> 00:24:38,108 Because I hear about it all the time on the news 652 00:24:38,109 --> 00:24:39,109 on spinach, on lettuce, on chicken. 653 00:24:40,109 --> 00:24:41,108 And the one thing about chicken though, that makes 654 00:24:41,109 --> 00:24:42,108 more sense to me, you know? 655 00:24:42,109 --> 00:24:43,109 And what is salmonella? 656 00:24:44,109 --> 00:24:45,108 Am I puking and pooping so I can't drive to the hospital? 657 00:24:45,109 --> 00:24:47,108 And if that's the case, does Obamacare 658 00:24:47,109 --> 00:24:48,108 even cover an ambulance right? 659 00:24:48,109 --> 00:24:49,109 I don't know, you know? 660 00:24:49,569 --> 00:24:51,108 You know, I tried to go on the website and pick the plan, 661 00:24:51,109 --> 00:24:52,108 and I couldn't get on. 662 00:24:52,109 --> 00:24:54,108 And my wife did, but she just threw a dart. 663 00:24:54,109 --> 00:24:55,108 God, I hope the kids are covered. 664 00:24:55,109 --> 00:24:56,109 I didn't even think about that. My god. 665 00:24:57,109 --> 00:24:58,109 And my little one, she's always saying, oh, he's so creative. 666 00:24:59,109 --> 00:25:00,108 I don't think he's creative man. 667 00:25:00,109 --> 00:25:01,108 I drive him to school, and he just stares 668 00:25:01,109 --> 00:25:03,108 at the sun the entire way man. 669 00:25:03,109 --> 00:25:04,108 I think he's an idiot. 670 00:25:04,109 --> 00:25:05,108 I'm not saving for his college. 671 00:25:05,109 --> 00:25:06,108 I'm buying a ski boat. 672 00:25:06,109 --> 00:25:07,108 Screw that kid. 673 00:25:07,109 --> 00:25:08,108 We're not doing this. 674 00:25:08,109 --> 00:25:11,108 And then the people you're having dinner with go dude, 675 00:25:11,109 --> 00:25:14,108 are you going to eat your chicken? 676 00:25:14,109 --> 00:25:15,109 Oh, I forgot I had chicken. 677 00:25:20,109 --> 00:25:20,109 [applause] 678 00:25:20,110 --> 00:25:21,108 We're always-- yeah. 679 00:25:21,109 --> 00:25:23,108 We're always out there man. 680 00:25:23,109 --> 00:25:25,108 What's coming, what's coming to kill us, and how do we stop it? 681 00:25:25,109 --> 00:25:26,108 What is coming to kill us? 682 00:25:26,109 --> 00:25:27,777 And how do we stop it? 683 00:25:28,109 --> 00:25:30,109 And then once we prove with billions of research 684 00:25:31,109 --> 00:25:35,108 that something's definitely going to kill us, 685 00:25:35,109 --> 00:25:38,108 we stop giving a flying rat's ass about it. 686 00:25:38,109 --> 00:25:39,108 Case in point, cigarette. 687 00:25:39,109 --> 00:25:41,108 Says it right on the pack man. 688 00:25:41,109 --> 00:25:42,108 Cigarettes kill everybody. 689 00:25:42,109 --> 00:25:44,108 Government knows this. Government, cigarettes kill. 690 00:25:44,109 --> 00:25:44,109 We heard. What do we do? 691 00:25:45,109 --> 00:25:45,109 Put a label on it. 692 00:25:45,110 --> 00:25:47,108 Good idea. 693 00:25:47,109 --> 00:25:48,108 Yeah. 694 00:25:48,109 --> 00:25:50,108 I guess it's on you now. 695 00:25:50,109 --> 00:25:54,108 Says it on the pack, this kills your ass dead. 696 00:25:54,109 --> 00:25:57,108 You will live 11 years less than everybody you know. 697 00:25:57,109 --> 00:25:58,108 I know. 698 00:25:58,109 --> 00:25:59,108 I read it. 699 00:25:59,109 --> 00:26:00,108 I'm not an idiot. 700 00:26:00,109 --> 00:26:03,109 [laughter] 701 00:26:06,109 --> 00:26:07,108 Look around. 702 00:26:07,109 --> 00:26:08,109 I don't want to be here that long anyway. 703 00:26:11,109 --> 00:26:12,108 Too many level one's. 704 00:26:12,109 --> 00:26:15,108 [laughter] 705 00:26:15,109 --> 00:26:16,108 We're always thinking about man. 706 00:26:16,109 --> 00:26:18,108 Prescription medication currently kills 707 00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:21,108 more people than car accidents. 708 00:26:21,109 --> 00:26:22,109 I know, it's horrible. 709 00:26:25,109 --> 00:26:27,109 People don't know how to dose. 710 00:26:30,109 --> 00:26:34,108 It's one pill for every two beers. 711 00:26:34,109 --> 00:26:36,109 [laughter] 712 00:26:37,727 --> 00:26:39,426 They know it man. 713 00:26:39,427 --> 00:26:41,426 The nuclear weapon, worst thing ever invented. 714 00:26:41,427 --> 00:26:42,678 They know it vaporizes everything 715 00:26:43,427 --> 00:26:45,426 when it goes off and leaves residue for 1,000 years. 716 00:26:45,427 --> 00:26:46,426 I know. 717 00:26:46,427 --> 00:26:47,426 We've got to keep making them though. 718 00:26:47,427 --> 00:26:48,929 Why? 719 00:26:49,427 --> 00:26:51,426 Well, because we might want to destroy 720 00:26:51,427 --> 00:26:53,426 everything and screw it up for 1,000 years, 721 00:26:53,427 --> 00:26:56,426 because that will show them. 722 00:26:56,427 --> 00:26:58,427 [laughter] 723 00:27:00,427 --> 00:27:02,427 Now, that's why it didn't surprise me at all after New 724 00:27:03,427 --> 00:27:05,426 Town, Aurora, this right here, USCB-- 725 00:27:05,427 --> 00:27:07,426 all these shootings that we can't 726 00:27:07,427 --> 00:27:09,426 come up with one new gun law? 727 00:27:09,427 --> 00:27:11,426 Not even a good one, like hey, if you've 728 00:27:11,427 --> 00:27:12,427 got more voices in your head than bullets 729 00:27:13,427 --> 00:27:15,426 in the clip, no gun for you! 730 00:27:15,427 --> 00:27:18,426 Little law, a tiny law. 731 00:27:18,427 --> 00:27:19,427 Little, tiny law. 732 00:27:22,427 --> 00:27:24,426 And I want to talk to you gun people right now. 733 00:27:24,427 --> 00:27:25,426 And I know you're in here, because I just 734 00:27:25,427 --> 00:27:27,427 heard your anuses squeak shut. 735 00:27:31,427 --> 00:27:33,426 [cheering] 736 00:27:33,427 --> 00:27:35,426 I want you to know, I'm not anti-gun. 737 00:27:35,427 --> 00:27:38,426 I'm definitely anti-douchebag. 738 00:27:38,427 --> 00:27:40,426 And currently, right now, the NRA 739 00:27:40,427 --> 00:27:42,427 is cannon-balling the douchebag train through Numb-nuts-ville. 740 00:27:43,427 --> 00:27:44,426 My god. 741 00:27:44,427 --> 00:27:47,426 I have never seen a crazier lobby organization in my life. 742 00:27:47,427 --> 00:27:49,426 They used to be cool. You know what they used to do? 743 00:27:49,427 --> 00:27:50,426 They had these programs for boy scouts. 744 00:27:50,427 --> 00:27:51,426 They would teach them gun safety. 745 00:27:51,427 --> 00:27:53,426 That's what everyone should do. 746 00:27:53,427 --> 00:27:54,427 You might stumble across a gun, because they've sold so many, 747 00:27:55,427 --> 00:27:58,426 they could be just lying around. 748 00:27:58,427 --> 00:28:00,426 They would raise deer limits so hunters could shoot more. 749 00:28:00,427 --> 00:28:01,426 That's what the NRA used to do. 750 00:28:01,427 --> 00:28:02,426 Now, be clear. 751 00:28:02,427 --> 00:28:04,426 They sell guns. 752 00:28:04,427 --> 00:28:06,426 That's it. 753 00:28:06,427 --> 00:28:07,426 And I wish they would have the balls to just come 754 00:28:07,427 --> 00:28:08,426 out and say what they made. 755 00:28:08,427 --> 00:28:10,426 Because they've said so much crazy things 756 00:28:10,427 --> 00:28:11,426 these last couple of years. Just come out and say it. 757 00:28:11,427 --> 00:28:13,426 Just walk to the mike and go, by the way, 758 00:28:13,427 --> 00:28:15,427 we could stop school shootings if we just got rid of children. 759 00:28:16,427 --> 00:28:18,426 [laughter] 760 00:28:18,427 --> 00:28:19,426 And the house would pass that instantly. 761 00:28:19,427 --> 00:28:21,426 No more children. We just outlawed them. 762 00:28:21,427 --> 00:28:22,426 There you go. 763 00:28:22,427 --> 00:28:23,426 Wow. 764 00:28:23,427 --> 00:28:25,426 We saved $38 billion dollars off the education budget. 765 00:28:25,427 --> 00:28:29,426 Yeah, the black guy didn't do that, did he? 766 00:28:29,427 --> 00:28:33,427 [scattered applause] 767 00:28:34,427 --> 00:28:36,427 [laughter] 768 00:28:37,427 --> 00:28:40,426 Now, I want you guys to know my children go 769 00:28:40,427 --> 00:28:42,426 to a Christian school, because I believe every child need 770 00:28:42,427 --> 00:28:46,426 a base knowledge in illusion. 771 00:28:46,427 --> 00:28:49,427 [laughter] 772 00:28:53,427 --> 00:28:57,426 And there's no Harry Potter school. 773 00:28:57,427 --> 00:28:59,426 There's no Lord of the Rings school. 774 00:28:59,427 --> 00:29:01,426 I would send my kid to a Star Wars school in a second. 775 00:29:01,427 --> 00:29:02,426 AUDIENCE: Yeah! 776 00:29:02,427 --> 00:29:04,426 Are you kidding me? 777 00:29:04,427 --> 00:29:07,426 Are you kidding me? 778 00:29:07,427 --> 00:29:11,426 Faith, the force, same thing, different helmet. 779 00:29:11,427 --> 00:29:13,427 [laughter] 780 00:29:14,427 --> 00:29:15,426 And don't get me wrong. 781 00:29:15,427 --> 00:29:16,426 I'm not anti-religion at all. 782 00:29:16,427 --> 00:29:17,426 Religion's good for you. 783 00:29:17,427 --> 00:29:18,426 Whatever works for you, you know? 784 00:29:18,427 --> 00:29:20,426 I'm a little anti-atheist. 785 00:29:20,427 --> 00:29:22,426 How can those people be that pissed about believing 786 00:29:22,427 --> 00:29:24,426 in nothing? 787 00:29:24,427 --> 00:29:26,426 You ever get an atheist fired up? 788 00:29:26,427 --> 00:29:27,426 They just start going, I can't believe 789 00:29:27,427 --> 00:29:30,426 there's a guy, this guy, angels, and Santa Claus, and wishes, 790 00:29:30,427 --> 00:29:31,426 and, hey, hey, hey, hey. 791 00:29:31,427 --> 00:29:33,426 I also believe in anger management. 792 00:29:33,427 --> 00:29:37,427 [laughter] 793 00:29:38,427 --> 00:29:42,426 Because you're acting like a jihad atheist right now, 794 00:29:42,427 --> 00:29:44,427 and it scares me that you don't get the irony. 795 00:29:47,427 --> 00:29:49,426 So then the NRA came out. And they said, all right. 796 00:29:49,427 --> 00:29:50,426 You know what you need to do? 797 00:29:50,427 --> 00:29:52,426 We need to have armed guards in the school. 798 00:29:52,427 --> 00:29:53,426 Good idea. 799 00:29:53,427 --> 00:29:56,426 More adults with weapons near the children, perfect. 800 00:29:56,427 --> 00:29:59,427 Yeah, because security guards are always so well balanced, 801 00:30:00,427 --> 00:30:01,426 aren't they? 802 00:30:01,427 --> 00:30:03,426 Ugh, I was almost a cop-- almost a cop. 803 00:30:03,427 --> 00:30:04,426 I was almost a cop. 804 00:30:04,427 --> 00:30:07,426 God damn, I was almost a cop. 805 00:30:07,427 --> 00:30:08,426 Almost a cop. 806 00:30:08,427 --> 00:30:10,426 Almost a cop. 807 00:30:10,427 --> 00:30:11,426 Hey! 808 00:30:11,427 --> 00:30:12,426 Hey Zimmerman, you OK? 809 00:30:12,427 --> 00:30:16,426 Yeah, I was almost a cop, almost. 810 00:30:16,427 --> 00:30:17,427 Almost a cop. 811 00:30:20,427 --> 00:30:21,426 They said, all right. 812 00:30:21,427 --> 00:30:23,426 That's kind of expensive, too many guards at the school. 813 00:30:23,427 --> 00:30:25,426 I know what we'll do. 814 00:30:25,427 --> 00:30:26,426 They actually gave us in a news story, 815 00:30:26,427 --> 00:30:28,426 we need to arm the teachers. 816 00:30:28,427 --> 00:30:32,427 [laughing] 817 00:30:38,803 --> 00:30:42,426 Let me be very clear about this one. 818 00:30:42,427 --> 00:30:47,426 If any of my teachers had ever been armed, 819 00:30:47,427 --> 00:30:50,426 there would be no show tonight. 820 00:30:50,427 --> 00:30:54,427 [cheering] 821 00:30:55,427 --> 00:30:57,427 Are you serious? 822 00:31:04,427 --> 00:31:05,426 Do you guys know your kids? 823 00:31:05,427 --> 00:31:06,427 AUDIENCE: No. 824 00:31:07,427 --> 00:31:09,426 Do you want anybody that spends seven to eight hours a day 825 00:31:09,427 --> 00:31:17,426 with your children to have a weapon? 826 00:31:17,427 --> 00:31:22,426 Murders and suicides would sky rocket. 827 00:31:22,427 --> 00:31:23,426 Just some poor teacher in Alabama 828 00:31:23,427 --> 00:31:27,426 getting her standardized testing results back. 829 00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:30,426 Oh my god. 830 00:31:30,427 --> 00:31:33,427 I've been teaching these idiots for nine months. 831 00:31:33,927 --> 00:31:35,427 [laughter] 832 00:31:37,017 --> 00:31:38,516 But I'll tell you what. 833 00:31:38,517 --> 00:31:40,016 I could fix every problem currently plagued in 834 00:31:40,017 --> 00:31:41,016 this amazing country right now. 835 00:31:41,017 --> 00:31:42,016 I really could. 836 00:31:42,017 --> 00:31:43,016 And you know what? 837 00:31:43,017 --> 00:31:45,017 It's not armed guards at our school. 838 00:31:46,017 --> 00:31:46,017 That is asinine. 839 00:31:47,017 --> 00:31:47,602 It is not arming our teachers. 840 00:31:48,017 --> 00:31:49,016 That is just stupid. 841 00:31:49,017 --> 00:31:51,016 Well, we could fix every problem with America if we 842 00:31:51,017 --> 00:31:53,852 would simply arm the children. 843 00:31:54,017 --> 00:31:55,016 [laughter] 844 00:31:55,017 --> 00:31:56,016 Come on. 845 00:31:56,017 --> 00:31:58,016 Yeah, come on NRA. 846 00:31:58,017 --> 00:32:01,016 NRA, let's get fucking crazy. 847 00:32:01,017 --> 00:32:05,016 Second amendment, second amendment, second amendment. 848 00:32:05,017 --> 00:32:08,016 I love people that get fired up about the second, god given 849 00:32:08,017 --> 00:32:09,016 right, god given right. 850 00:32:09,017 --> 00:32:11,016 No, Moses chiseled into stone, that was the 11th commandment. 851 00:32:11,017 --> 00:32:12,016 And then he came down the mountain, 852 00:32:12,017 --> 00:32:14,016 and he threw it at the calf, and it broke off. 853 00:32:14,017 --> 00:32:15,016 So then Jesus and Thomas Jefferson had to rewrite it. 854 00:32:15,017 --> 00:32:16,017 That's what happened. 855 00:32:16,435 --> 00:32:18,016 And then Gandhi put a sandwich on it, 856 00:32:18,017 --> 00:32:19,016 and then Martin Luther King marched 857 00:32:19,017 --> 00:32:20,016 around it about three times. 858 00:32:20,017 --> 00:32:21,017 Can't change the second amendment. 859 00:32:25,017 --> 00:32:27,016 Well, for those of you that believe that, 860 00:32:27,017 --> 00:32:29,016 I have some bad news. 861 00:32:29,017 --> 00:32:32,016 Constitution's been changed 27 times. 862 00:32:32,017 --> 00:32:33,016 Shut up comedian! 863 00:32:33,017 --> 00:32:34,016 Shut up! 864 00:32:34,017 --> 00:32:35,016 Quit talking! 865 00:32:35,017 --> 00:32:37,016 Ah, ah, ah, first amendment. 866 00:32:37,017 --> 00:32:41,017 [laughter] 867 00:32:44,017 --> 00:32:45,016 Yeah. 868 00:32:45,017 --> 00:32:49,016 Don't just quote the sexy amendments. 869 00:32:49,017 --> 00:32:51,017 Two words that have never been put together ever. 870 00:32:54,017 --> 00:32:55,016 And I will be honest with you. 871 00:32:55,017 --> 00:32:57,016 I give you guys an honest shot. 872 00:32:57,017 --> 00:32:59,016 How many people here think they are totally capable and totally 873 00:32:59,017 --> 00:33:00,017 qualified to own a weapon? 874 00:33:01,017 --> 00:33:02,016 Whoo! 875 00:33:02,017 --> 00:33:03,016 [cheering] 876 00:33:03,017 --> 00:33:07,016 First of all, anybody that goes, whoo doesn't get a gun. 877 00:33:07,017 --> 00:33:09,016 Sorry. 878 00:33:09,017 --> 00:33:10,016 You yell out in public. 879 00:33:10,017 --> 00:33:13,016 You overreact. 880 00:33:13,017 --> 00:33:14,017 They're easily led. 881 00:33:18,017 --> 00:33:18,017 Can't have a gun. 882 00:33:18,227 --> 00:33:21,016 You're a psychopath. 883 00:33:21,017 --> 00:33:23,435 You people that calmly clap, eh, you seem OK. 884 00:33:24,017 --> 00:33:25,016 You can have a gun. 885 00:33:25,017 --> 00:33:27,016 If you happen to have a Confederate flag 886 00:33:27,017 --> 00:33:34,016 sticker anywhere on your pickup truck, no gun for you! 887 00:33:34,017 --> 00:33:37,016 I'm sorry, no. 888 00:33:37,017 --> 00:33:40,016 That was a terrorist organization trying to split 889 00:33:40,017 --> 00:33:41,016 our great country in two. 890 00:33:41,017 --> 00:33:42,016 You might as well have an al-Qaeda 891 00:33:42,017 --> 00:33:46,016 stick on the other side and ISIS over your Travis Tritt. 892 00:33:46,017 --> 00:33:48,016 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 893 00:33:48,017 --> 00:33:49,016 I'll fix that joke in the second show. 894 00:33:49,017 --> 00:33:50,017 Shut up. 895 00:33:53,017 --> 00:33:54,017 And here's how I honestly believe 896 00:33:55,017 --> 00:33:56,016 about the whole gun thing. 897 00:33:56,017 --> 00:33:58,016 I believe if you hit the age of 30, 898 00:33:58,017 --> 00:34:00,016 you should instantly be banned from owning a weapon. 899 00:34:00,017 --> 00:34:01,016 And here's why. 900 00:34:01,017 --> 00:34:07,017 If you made it to 30, you have some damage. 901 00:34:11,017 --> 00:34:14,016 You know what psychotic anger is. 902 00:34:14,017 --> 00:34:17,016 You've had your heart broken repeatedly, sometimes 903 00:34:17,017 --> 00:34:18,017 by the same person, you idiot. 904 00:34:21,017 --> 00:34:24,016 Got screwed over at work, had money ripped off from you, 905 00:34:24,017 --> 00:34:25,016 gotten an investment with one of your brothers, 906 00:34:25,017 --> 00:34:26,017 and he got his money back, but you 907 00:34:27,017 --> 00:34:28,016 didn't, because you were tier two, 908 00:34:28,017 --> 00:34:29,017 whatever the fuck that means. 909 00:34:32,017 --> 00:34:34,016 Bank of America customer service. 910 00:34:34,017 --> 00:34:37,017 [laughter] 911 00:34:38,017 --> 00:34:40,016 I told him. 912 00:34:40,017 --> 00:34:44,016 At any minute, any one of us over 30 could snap like a twig. 913 00:34:44,017 --> 00:34:46,016 But kids don't have that problem. 914 00:34:46,017 --> 00:34:47,016 They're just kids man. 915 00:34:47,017 --> 00:34:48,016 They do what they're told. 916 00:34:48,017 --> 00:34:49,016 They'd probably hate wearing them. 917 00:34:49,017 --> 00:34:51,016 Be fun to wake them up, though. 918 00:34:51,017 --> 00:34:52,016 Guys, we're late for school. Get your backpack. 919 00:34:52,017 --> 00:34:53,016 Get your homework. Get your Glock. 920 00:34:53,017 --> 00:34:53,017 We've got to move. 921 00:34:54,017 --> 00:34:55,016 Let's go, let's go. 922 00:34:55,017 --> 00:34:57,017 I don't want to wear my Glock! 923 00:35:00,017 --> 00:35:02,016 Hey, hey, 28th Amendment. 924 00:35:02,017 --> 00:35:06,016 Put on your damn gun. 925 00:35:06,017 --> 00:35:07,016 No, not the Hello Kitty holster. 926 00:35:07,017 --> 00:35:08,017 You look like an idiot. 927 00:35:13,017 --> 00:35:13,017 There you go. 928 00:35:14,017 --> 00:35:15,016 Problem solved, you know? 929 00:35:15,017 --> 00:35:16,016 Train them how to use their guns. 930 00:35:16,017 --> 00:35:17,016 They're in class with their guns. 931 00:35:17,017 --> 00:35:19,016 Perfect, no problem, then have some 22 year old 932 00:35:19,017 --> 00:35:20,016 psycho burst into their school. 933 00:35:20,017 --> 00:35:21,016 You know that kid I'm talking about? 934 00:35:21,017 --> 00:35:24,016 That kid who was raised on television, and video games, 935 00:35:24,017 --> 00:35:25,017 and decided to live his life by the rules 936 00:35:26,017 --> 00:35:28,017 of the kind of Mordor. 937 00:35:28,101 --> 00:35:31,016 Kids whose parents didn't smack him, you know, 938 00:35:31,017 --> 00:35:32,017 ground him, or hug him enough except 939 00:35:33,017 --> 00:35:35,016 to put him on a diet of Ritalin, Prozac, and Cheetos. 940 00:35:35,017 --> 00:35:38,016 So not only is his brain fried, but his level of nutritionist 941 00:35:38,017 --> 00:35:42,016 is so low, he hasn't taken a good dump in a fortnight. 942 00:35:42,017 --> 00:35:43,017 And I don't know how long that is, 943 00:35:44,017 --> 00:35:45,016 but I know it's at least four days. 944 00:35:45,017 --> 00:35:48,016 [laughter] 945 00:35:48,017 --> 00:35:50,016 And that kid bursts into your kid's school, 946 00:35:50,017 --> 00:35:53,016 you know, carrying a Bush master his dad bought at Walmart 947 00:35:53,017 --> 00:35:54,016 but didn't lock it up, because he figured, 948 00:35:54,017 --> 00:35:56,016 it's just a semi automatic weapon. 949 00:35:56,017 --> 00:35:58,016 What could happen? 950 00:35:58,017 --> 00:35:59,017 And he kicks open your kid's classroom 951 00:36:00,017 --> 00:36:02,016 door, starts talking like Satan, threatens to take their souls. 952 00:36:02,017 --> 00:36:09,016 The kids could very calmly put down the number two pencils 953 00:36:09,017 --> 00:36:10,016 and pull their nine millimeters. 954 00:36:10,017 --> 00:36:11,016 [gun sound mimicry] 955 00:36:11,017 --> 00:36:12,016 AUDIENCE: Yeah. 956 00:36:12,017 --> 00:36:13,016 There you go. 957 00:36:13,017 --> 00:36:15,016 No more crazy shootings, people getting hurt. 958 00:36:15,017 --> 00:36:17,016 And all we had to do was arm the children. 959 00:36:17,017 --> 00:36:18,017 You know what? 960 00:36:18,769 --> 00:36:19,017 That's such a pretty phrase. 961 00:36:20,017 --> 00:36:20,017 Say that with me one time. 962 00:36:21,017 --> 00:36:22,016 On three, one, two, three. 963 00:36:22,017 --> 00:36:25,016 AUDIENCE: Arm the children. 964 00:36:25,017 --> 00:36:26,017 Yes. 965 00:36:27,017 --> 00:36:29,016 But I said I'd fix everything. 966 00:36:29,017 --> 00:36:30,016 I'm going to fix education. 967 00:36:30,017 --> 00:36:31,016 We all agree there's good and bad teachers, right? 968 00:36:31,017 --> 00:36:32,016 We've got to get rid of the bad teachers. 969 00:36:32,017 --> 00:36:33,016 We all agree to that. 970 00:36:33,017 --> 00:36:34,016 We said, OK. 971 00:36:34,017 --> 00:36:35,017 Let's test all the teachers. 972 00:36:36,017 --> 00:36:37,016 Well, the teacher's union stood up and went, no, no, no. 973 00:36:37,017 --> 00:36:38,016 Can't test teachers. 974 00:36:38,017 --> 00:36:41,016 It's not a good measure of performance. 975 00:36:41,017 --> 00:36:44,017 [laughter] 976 00:36:45,017 --> 00:36:47,017 Even the teachers went ugh, crap. 977 00:36:51,017 --> 00:36:55,016 Somebody remind them it's what we do please. 978 00:36:55,017 --> 00:36:56,977 Fine, we don't need to test the teachers. 979 00:36:57,017 --> 00:36:58,016 We'll just arm the children. 980 00:36:58,017 --> 00:37:00,017 Then you'll just know who the bad teachers are. 981 00:37:04,017 --> 00:37:07,016 Mrs. Cooper is leaking, bad teacher. 982 00:37:07,017 --> 00:37:09,016 It'll also change a parent teacher 983 00:37:09,017 --> 00:37:11,016 conference dynamic quite a bit. 984 00:37:11,017 --> 00:37:12,017 Oh, you ever take your little one 985 00:37:13,017 --> 00:37:14,016 to parent teacher conference when they're screwing up? 986 00:37:14,017 --> 00:37:15,016 Don't you like an idiot? 987 00:37:15,017 --> 00:37:17,016 Michael's not doing good at math. 988 00:37:17,017 --> 00:37:20,016 Ugh, even my sperm is stupid. 989 00:37:20,017 --> 00:37:22,016 I've got to stop watching porn and drinking. 990 00:37:22,017 --> 00:37:25,016 I suck as a father. 991 00:37:25,017 --> 00:37:28,016 But if we arm the children, that changes 180 degrees. 992 00:37:28,017 --> 00:37:30,016 Michael's not doing good at math. 993 00:37:30,017 --> 00:37:31,016 [laughing] 994 00:37:31,017 --> 00:37:32,017 Really? 995 00:37:33,017 --> 00:37:34,016 Well, that's a bummer, because for Christmas, I 996 00:37:34,017 --> 00:37:38,016 got him a Desert Eagle. 997 00:37:38,017 --> 00:37:43,016 So you better figure out how to unlock his learning potential-- 998 00:37:43,017 --> 00:37:45,016 [laughter] 999 00:37:45,017 --> 00:37:49,017 --or the spring semester is going to be a bitch. 1000 00:37:49,393 --> 00:37:53,016 I'll see you in a couple months, I hope. 1001 00:37:53,017 --> 00:37:55,016 There you go, education fixed. 1002 00:37:55,017 --> 00:37:57,016 And all we had to do is arm the children. 1003 00:37:57,017 --> 00:37:58,016 Say it again, one, two, three. 1004 00:37:58,017 --> 00:38:00,016 AUDIENCE: Arm the children. 1005 00:38:00,017 --> 00:38:02,016 Yes. 1006 00:38:02,017 --> 00:38:04,016 Now, I'm going to stop bullying, because bullying is bad. 1007 00:38:04,017 --> 00:38:06,017 Bullying's the scourge of America. 1008 00:38:09,017 --> 00:38:11,016 We're spending $30 million across the country 1009 00:38:11,017 --> 00:38:12,016 on anti-bully programs. 1010 00:38:12,017 --> 00:38:13,016 You want to guarantee your kid gets 1011 00:38:13,017 --> 00:38:17,017 his ass kicked, get him involved in an anti-bully program. 1012 00:38:18,017 --> 00:38:19,016 If that was going on when I was in school, 1013 00:38:19,017 --> 00:38:21,016 I would've found those kids and beat them 1014 00:38:21,017 --> 00:38:24,016 up just to be ironically funny. 1015 00:38:24,017 --> 00:38:26,016 [punching mimicry] 1016 00:38:26,017 --> 00:38:27,016 No, I'm not mad. 1017 00:38:27,017 --> 00:38:28,017 I'm just making a point. 1018 00:38:31,017 --> 00:38:34,016 Government intervention doesn't always work. 1019 00:38:34,017 --> 00:38:36,017 This is extra credit for history class. 1020 00:38:40,017 --> 00:38:43,016 But if we arm the children, bullying is over. 1021 00:38:43,017 --> 00:38:45,016 It just levels the playing field. 1022 00:38:45,017 --> 00:38:47,016 Hey, give me your lunch money. 1023 00:38:47,017 --> 00:38:48,017 Ch-ch-- what? 1024 00:38:48,101 --> 00:38:51,017 [laughter] 1025 00:38:53,017 --> 00:38:55,016 Yeah, that's what I thought you said. 1026 00:38:55,017 --> 00:38:57,016 Yeah. 1027 00:38:57,017 --> 00:38:58,016 Maybe you should think twice before you bust into chess club 1028 00:38:58,017 --> 00:38:59,017 like that. 1029 00:39:02,017 --> 00:39:05,017 [laughter] 1030 00:39:16,017 --> 00:39:17,016 No more bullies. 1031 00:39:17,017 --> 00:39:18,016 And all we had to do is arm the children. 1032 00:39:18,017 --> 00:39:20,016 Say it again, one, two, three. 1033 00:39:20,017 --> 00:39:22,016 AUDIENCE: Arm the children. 1034 00:39:22,017 --> 00:39:23,017 Yes. 1035 00:39:23,143 --> 00:39:25,227 Now, I'm going to save this country $200 billion. 1036 00:39:26,017 --> 00:39:27,017 You're welcome. 1037 00:39:28,017 --> 00:39:29,016 Child abuse-- horrible situation right now man. 1038 00:39:29,017 --> 00:39:31,017 We spend all this money, Child Protective Services, 1039 00:39:31,477 --> 00:39:32,016 Social Services. 1040 00:39:32,017 --> 00:39:33,016 We subsidize foster care. 1041 00:39:33,017 --> 00:39:35,016 We build homes for abused kids. 1042 00:39:35,017 --> 00:39:37,016 It's a bad situation. 1043 00:39:37,017 --> 00:39:47,016 But if we arm the children, child abuse is over, 1044 00:39:47,017 --> 00:39:48,017 and parental abuse begins. 1045 00:39:51,017 --> 00:39:53,018 Damn it Brian, is that the second time you've spilled milk 1046 00:39:54,017 --> 00:39:55,016 at my dinner table? 1047 00:39:55,017 --> 00:39:56,017 Well, I'm not having that shit in my house! 1048 00:39:57,017 --> 00:39:58,016 I'm going to take this belt off and-- 1049 00:39:58,017 --> 00:40:00,017 [gun loading mimicry] 1050 00:40:01,017 --> 00:40:05,016 And I'm going to get you a paper towel. 1051 00:40:05,017 --> 00:40:08,017 [laughter] 1052 00:40:09,685 --> 00:40:14,016 Because, because I'm your daddy, and I love you Brian. 1053 00:40:14,017 --> 00:40:16,016 (CRYING) Remember when you said you 1054 00:40:16,017 --> 00:40:18,016 wanted to be a cowboy Brian? 1055 00:40:18,017 --> 00:40:21,017 Cowboys don't shoot their daddies in the back, right? 1056 00:40:24,017 --> 00:40:27,016 Child abuse over, and all we had to do was arm the children. 1057 00:40:27,017 --> 00:40:28,016 What do we do? 1058 00:40:28,017 --> 00:40:30,016 AUDIENCE: Arm the children. 1059 00:40:30,017 --> 00:40:32,016 Now, let's help law enforcement. 1060 00:40:32,017 --> 00:40:34,016 Cops have a tough job, toughest job of all. 1061 00:40:34,017 --> 00:40:35,017 Imagine all the crime that cops have to deal with. 1062 00:40:36,017 --> 00:40:37,016 And just on top of that, they've got 1063 00:40:37,017 --> 00:40:38,016 child molesters and pedophiles. 1064 00:40:38,017 --> 00:40:39,016 And that's a weird one, because it 1065 00:40:39,017 --> 00:40:41,016 happened behind closed doors. 1066 00:40:41,017 --> 00:40:42,016 That guy's a child molester. 1067 00:40:42,017 --> 00:40:43,727 Great. 1068 00:40:44,017 --> 00:40:45,016 Now, we've got three officers to interview the guy, 1069 00:40:45,017 --> 00:40:48,016 get him to admit it, or find out that we'll 1070 00:40:48,017 --> 00:40:48,017 never going to know it. 1071 00:40:48,018 --> 00:40:49,977 They interview the kid. 1072 00:40:50,017 --> 00:40:51,016 Is the kid lying? 1073 00:40:51,017 --> 00:40:52,016 And then you guys know this? 1074 00:40:52,017 --> 00:40:55,017 If someone gets convicted of pedophilia, child molestation, 1075 00:40:56,017 --> 00:40:57,016 they go to prison. 1076 00:40:57,017 --> 00:40:58,016 But they go to isolation, which costs 1077 00:40:58,017 --> 00:41:05,016 us $35,000 extra per prisoner per year of our tax money. 1078 00:41:05,017 --> 00:41:09,016 But if we arm the children. 1079 00:41:09,017 --> 00:41:12,017 [cheering] 1080 00:41:14,017 --> 00:41:17,016 We will never have to track down a pedophile again. 1081 00:41:17,017 --> 00:41:21,016 We will just stumble across them. 1082 00:41:21,017 --> 00:41:23,016 [laughter] 1083 00:41:23,017 --> 00:41:25,016 Like ah, damn it Chuck. 1084 00:41:25,017 --> 00:41:27,016 We got another one. 1085 00:41:27,017 --> 00:41:30,016 No, just get the van. 1086 00:41:30,017 --> 00:41:31,017 Yes, we have room. 1087 00:41:32,017 --> 00:41:34,016 Just move the Boy Scout leaders to the side. 1088 00:41:34,017 --> 00:41:37,017 [applause] 1089 00:41:40,017 --> 00:41:41,016 There you go. 1090 00:41:41,017 --> 00:41:42,016 No more pedophiles. 1091 00:41:42,017 --> 00:41:44,016 And all we had to do was arm the children. 1092 00:41:44,017 --> 00:41:45,016 What do we do? 1093 00:41:45,017 --> 00:41:48,016 AUDIENCE: Arm the children. 1094 00:41:48,017 --> 00:41:51,016 Do you see how Hitler got started? 1095 00:41:51,017 --> 00:41:53,017 [laughter] 1096 00:41:55,017 --> 00:41:57,016 You see? 1097 00:41:57,017 --> 00:41:59,017 You guys were yelling arm the children. 1098 00:42:04,017 --> 00:42:08,016 That was a social experiment, and you failed miserably. 1099 00:42:08,017 --> 00:42:12,016 You're all level ones again now. 1100 00:42:12,017 --> 00:42:16,017 It's amazing to me how brilliant we are individually, all of us. 1101 00:42:16,435 --> 00:42:24,016 But you get us in a group, we will follow any dumbass idea, 1102 00:42:24,017 --> 00:42:28,016 as long as it's presented well. 1103 00:42:28,017 --> 00:42:32,016 Oh yeah man, yeah. 1104 00:42:32,017 --> 00:42:33,016 [applause] 1105 00:42:33,017 --> 00:42:35,016 Got to go to war with Iraq. 1106 00:42:35,017 --> 00:42:37,017 Arm the children. 1107 00:42:38,017 --> 00:42:41,016 Weapons of mass destruction, arm the children. 1108 00:42:41,017 --> 00:42:43,016 I did not have sex with that Lewinsky woman. 1109 00:42:43,017 --> 00:42:45,016 Arm the children. 1110 00:42:45,017 --> 00:42:47,016 NAFTA is going to bring us 10 million jobs. 1111 00:42:47,017 --> 00:42:49,017 Arm the children. 1112 00:42:52,519 --> 00:42:55,016 You can keep your health care plan if you want. 1113 00:42:55,017 --> 00:42:57,016 Arm the children. 1114 00:42:57,017 --> 00:42:59,017 Don't just clap for that one. 1115 00:43:02,993 --> 00:43:04,492 We need something to believe in. 1116 00:43:04,493 --> 00:43:06,492 Human beings are amazing to me, because we need something. 1117 00:43:06,493 --> 00:43:08,492 We can't just live in the minute. 1118 00:43:08,493 --> 00:43:09,492 We can't. 1119 00:43:09,493 --> 00:43:10,995 Got to need something to believe, 1120 00:43:11,493 --> 00:43:12,492 something to get behind, something to survive. 1121 00:43:12,493 --> 00:43:13,492 And right now, we're so safe in America 1122 00:43:13,493 --> 00:43:15,492 that we had to make up things to survive. 1123 00:43:15,493 --> 00:43:18,492 Do you understand how safe we really are in America that we 1124 00:43:18,493 --> 00:43:20,493 invented stuff to be afraid of? 1125 00:43:21,493 --> 00:43:21,493 AUDIENCE: Yeah. 1126 00:43:21,494 --> 00:43:23,492 9/11. 1127 00:43:23,493 --> 00:43:25,492 AUDIENCE: Oh. 1128 00:43:25,493 --> 00:43:29,492 It's a conspiracy, total conspiracy bro. 1129 00:43:29,493 --> 00:43:30,493 Total conspiracy. 1130 00:43:32,493 --> 00:43:34,493 Aliens, fluoride. 1131 00:43:37,493 --> 00:43:39,492 Do you know how safe we are that somebody 1132 00:43:39,493 --> 00:43:41,492 was brushing his teeth one morning, 1133 00:43:41,493 --> 00:43:46,492 and was like-- holy hell. 1134 00:43:46,493 --> 00:43:48,492 Trying to kill us. 1135 00:43:48,493 --> 00:43:50,492 It's in the water too. 1136 00:43:50,493 --> 00:43:51,493 You know what they say in Africa? 1137 00:43:52,328 --> 00:43:52,493 You have water? 1138 00:43:56,493 --> 00:43:59,493 [laughter] 1139 00:44:00,493 --> 00:44:02,492 Conspiracy's my fav-- I used to be a big conspiracy guy. 1140 00:44:02,493 --> 00:44:05,492 I was up until someone said, New Town was a false flag event. 1141 00:44:05,493 --> 00:44:06,492 And I went, OK. 1142 00:44:06,493 --> 00:44:08,492 New dealer, I'm out. 1143 00:44:08,493 --> 00:44:11,492 My favorite conspiracy of all time is the gun conspiracy. 1144 00:44:11,493 --> 00:44:12,492 That's my favorite one. Yeah. 1145 00:44:12,493 --> 00:44:14,492 Yeah, the black socialist Kenyan president's 1146 00:44:14,493 --> 00:44:15,911 going to take your guns away. 1147 00:44:16,493 --> 00:44:17,492 But before that, it was a redneck from Crawford's 1148 00:44:17,493 --> 00:44:19,492 going to take our guns away. 1149 00:44:19,493 --> 00:44:20,492 And before that, it was that fat guy who's 1150 00:44:20,493 --> 00:44:21,493 getting oral sex in the Oval Office 1151 00:44:22,161 --> 00:44:24,493 is going to take our guns away. 1152 00:44:25,493 --> 00:44:27,492 For you people that actually believe the government is going 1153 00:44:27,493 --> 00:44:30,492 to come for your guns, I am going to make you feel so much 1154 00:44:30,493 --> 00:44:32,492 better in three easy steps. 1155 00:44:32,493 --> 00:44:33,492 Are you ready? 1156 00:44:33,493 --> 00:44:35,492 AUDIENCE: Yeah. 1157 00:44:35,493 --> 00:44:37,492 Step number one, the government can't take your guns, 1158 00:44:37,493 --> 00:44:41,492 because you have guns. 1159 00:44:41,493 --> 00:44:44,492 [laughter] 1160 00:44:44,493 --> 00:44:45,786 Yeah! 1161 00:44:46,493 --> 00:44:48,493 [applause] 1162 00:44:49,493 --> 00:44:51,493 You can use your gun to defend your gun. 1163 00:44:54,493 --> 00:44:56,492 Poof. 1164 00:44:56,493 --> 00:44:59,493 [applause] 1165 00:45:01,493 --> 00:45:02,493 Step two. 1166 00:45:03,493 --> 00:45:04,492 Now, step two is a little scary. 1167 00:45:04,493 --> 00:45:05,492 Step two is where the conspiracy started, 1168 00:45:05,493 --> 00:45:07,492 because when the 2nd announcement was written, 1169 00:45:07,493 --> 00:45:08,492 we had muskets. 1170 00:45:08,493 --> 00:45:09,492 And the government had muskets. 1171 00:45:09,493 --> 00:45:10,492 In fact, the government was in such trouble. 1172 00:45:10,493 --> 00:45:12,492 They were like guys, um, we've got 1173 00:45:12,493 --> 00:45:13,492 to go to war with the British. 1174 00:45:13,493 --> 00:45:16,492 Could you please bring your muskets? 1175 00:45:16,493 --> 00:45:18,493 We are going to give you matching hats. 1176 00:45:21,493 --> 00:45:23,493 Which is all I remember from history class. 1177 00:45:26,493 --> 00:45:28,161 But now, as American citizens, we 1178 00:45:28,493 --> 00:45:29,492 are legally allowed to own Bushmaster 1179 00:45:29,493 --> 00:45:37,492 semi-automatic weapons with 60 and 100 round magazines. 1180 00:45:37,493 --> 00:45:38,492 Hell yeah. 1181 00:45:38,493 --> 00:45:40,492 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 1182 00:45:40,493 --> 00:45:41,492 Whoo! 1183 00:45:41,493 --> 00:45:45,492 My penis does not feel as small as it used to. 1184 00:45:45,493 --> 00:45:49,492 Oh, it's like a Camaro I can hold. 1185 00:45:49,493 --> 00:45:52,493 [laughter] 1186 00:45:53,493 --> 00:45:55,492 But don't forget, the government doesn't have Bushmasters. 1187 00:45:55,493 --> 00:45:59,492 The government has Apache helicopters, 1188 00:45:59,493 --> 00:46:00,492 and U-2 stealth bombers. 1189 00:46:00,493 --> 00:46:01,493 And they have 22 Raptors, and missile launchers, 1190 00:46:02,161 --> 00:46:03,492 and grenade launchers, and service to air missiles, 1191 00:46:03,493 --> 00:46:05,492 and drones, and a bullet they type your name on, 1192 00:46:05,493 --> 00:46:08,492 and it follows you home, and a satellite with a laser that 1193 00:46:08,493 --> 00:46:11,492 will give you a proctology exam from space in your kitchen 1194 00:46:11,493 --> 00:46:15,493 if they want to, tactical nukes, and oops nukes just in case 1195 00:46:16,493 --> 00:46:19,492 shit doesn't go their way. 1196 00:46:19,493 --> 00:46:20,492 Yeah Well, I don't care. 1197 00:46:20,493 --> 00:46:22,492 You tell the government, bring it on. 1198 00:46:22,493 --> 00:46:23,492 You can have this gun when you pry 1199 00:46:23,493 --> 00:46:26,492 it from my cold, dead hands. 1200 00:46:26,493 --> 00:46:28,492 OK. 1201 00:46:28,493 --> 00:46:31,493 [firing mimicry] 1202 00:46:32,493 --> 00:46:32,493 And now, the finale. 1203 00:46:37,493 --> 00:46:39,493 [explosion mimicry] 1204 00:46:42,493 --> 00:46:46,493 [cheering] 1205 00:46:48,493 --> 00:46:48,493 Holy hell! 1206 00:46:49,493 --> 00:46:51,492 They vaporized riggy. 1207 00:46:51,493 --> 00:46:53,492 There ain't nothing left but a burned 1208 00:46:53,493 --> 00:46:56,492 up copy of the Constitution! 1209 00:46:56,493 --> 00:46:57,492 You can still read the Second Amendment 1210 00:46:57,493 --> 00:47:01,493 though, because he's shielding it with his cold, dead hands. 1211 00:47:06,493 --> 00:47:08,492 Step two. 1212 00:47:08,493 --> 00:47:10,493 And step two, just so you know, scares me too. 1213 00:47:11,493 --> 00:47:12,492 Step two is pretty scary. 1214 00:47:12,493 --> 00:47:15,492 But to get to step two, we've got to go through step three, 1215 00:47:15,493 --> 00:47:19,492 which is getting all the states to agree to take our guns away. 1216 00:47:19,493 --> 00:47:22,492 And Texas ain't agreeing to shit. 1217 00:47:22,493 --> 00:47:24,492 [laughter] 1218 00:47:24,493 --> 00:47:26,492 Texas is the only state I've ever 1219 00:47:26,493 --> 00:47:28,492 seen that will vote against its own interest 1220 00:47:28,493 --> 00:47:32,492 because Connecticut likes something. 1221 00:47:32,493 --> 00:47:34,492 (TEXAN ACCENT) Hold on, hold on. 1222 00:47:34,493 --> 00:47:35,492 Them homos are doing it? 1223 00:47:35,493 --> 00:47:37,493 Well, we ain't doing it now. 1224 00:47:42,493 --> 00:47:44,493 [laughter] 1225 00:47:49,493 --> 00:47:52,492 But let's say that happened, led by some weird act 1226 00:47:52,493 --> 00:47:53,492 that all the states agree to take your guns away. 1227 00:47:53,493 --> 00:47:57,492 Then they would have to convince the military, which 1228 00:47:57,493 --> 00:47:59,492 is our sons, and daughters, aunts, uncles, brothers, 1229 00:47:59,493 --> 00:48:03,492 and sisters, our families to go house to house 1230 00:48:03,493 --> 00:48:07,492 and take away 400 million American's guns. 1231 00:48:07,493 --> 00:48:10,493 And that would take a lot of organization. 1232 00:48:13,493 --> 00:48:21,492 And our government can't build a website. 1233 00:48:21,493 --> 00:48:24,493 [cheering] 1234 00:48:27,686 --> 00:48:30,485 I swear to god, my dad was his own alarm clock. 1235 00:48:30,486 --> 00:48:31,486 My father woke up every morning like this. 1236 00:48:32,486 --> 00:48:35,486 [yelling] 1237 00:48:38,029 --> 00:48:39,485 Dad, you OK? 1238 00:48:39,486 --> 00:48:40,485 Yeah, I just got to change brands. 1239 00:48:40,486 --> 00:48:41,486 Ha, ha. 1240 00:48:47,486 --> 00:48:48,485 Man had six heart attacks. 1241 00:48:48,486 --> 00:48:50,485 He had a large heart. 1242 00:48:50,486 --> 00:48:51,485 It's when a giant sack of water forms around your heart. 1243 00:48:51,486 --> 00:48:52,485 Yeah, I always said I had a giant sack. 1244 00:48:52,486 --> 00:48:53,486 Ha, ha, ha. 1245 00:48:57,486 --> 00:48:59,486 Those are my father's actual jokes. 1246 00:49:01,486 --> 00:49:03,485 And because he was such a tough badass, 1247 00:49:03,486 --> 00:49:04,485 we didn't get along very well growing up. 1248 00:49:04,486 --> 00:49:07,485 He didn't believe in coddling the kid at all, you know. 1249 00:49:07,486 --> 00:49:09,485 We used to get in my fist fights growing up, I mean, fistfights. 1250 00:49:09,486 --> 00:49:10,485 I don't understand parents. 1251 00:49:10,486 --> 00:49:11,486 I really don't. 1252 00:49:12,486 --> 00:49:13,485 I have two kids now, and I don't quite get this. 1253 00:49:13,486 --> 00:49:14,485 You know, Jonathan, you're acting up. 1254 00:49:14,486 --> 00:49:16,485 Let's go see a therapist. 1255 00:49:16,486 --> 00:49:18,485 If I got mad at my dad when I was a kid 1256 00:49:18,486 --> 00:49:19,485 and really got like in a tantrum, 1257 00:49:19,486 --> 00:49:22,485 I just woke up two days later not mad anymore. 1258 00:49:22,486 --> 00:49:25,486 [laughter] 1259 00:49:26,486 --> 00:49:27,485 And we used to get in fist fights 1260 00:49:27,486 --> 00:49:28,485 growing up man and brawls. 1261 00:49:28,486 --> 00:49:30,485 But the one place we always got along 1262 00:49:30,486 --> 00:49:31,485 was the Oakland Road Show. 1263 00:49:31,486 --> 00:49:32,485 We're big car guys. 1264 00:49:32,486 --> 00:49:33,486 We'd go to the big car show they had up in Oakland. 1265 00:49:34,486 --> 00:49:35,485 It's actually in LA now. 1266 00:49:35,486 --> 00:49:36,485 But we'd go to Oakland. We'd go every year. 1267 00:49:36,486 --> 00:49:38,485 And we went from when I was five until I was a grown man. 1268 00:49:38,486 --> 00:49:39,485 And once we walked through those doors, 1269 00:49:39,486 --> 00:49:41,485 it didn't matter how bad my grades were 1270 00:49:41,486 --> 00:49:43,485 or what a drunk idiot he was being. 1271 00:49:43,486 --> 00:49:44,485 The second we went through there, 1272 00:49:44,486 --> 00:49:47,485 it was just father and son, as close as we ever were. 1273 00:49:47,486 --> 00:49:50,485 And as I became older and you know, grew to a man, 1274 00:49:50,486 --> 00:49:55,485 we started sharing real intimate details about our lives. 1275 00:49:55,486 --> 00:49:59,485 And sometimes, when you're that close to somebody, 1276 00:49:59,486 --> 00:50:03,485 you wish they had someone else they were that close to. 1277 00:50:03,486 --> 00:50:06,485 [laughter] 1278 00:50:06,486 --> 00:50:10,485 Because there were some things I didn't need to hear. 1279 00:50:10,486 --> 00:50:12,485 Now, there's going to be an age where I'll 1280 00:50:12,486 --> 00:50:14,486 get to either we don't care what we say anymore 1281 00:50:15,486 --> 00:50:17,486 or you forget sound travels. 1282 00:50:20,486 --> 00:50:23,485 My father and I are in the Oakland Colosseum one day, 1283 00:50:23,486 --> 00:50:25,485 the convention part at the Oakland Road Show, 1284 00:50:25,486 --> 00:50:26,485 just walking through it. Just walking through it. 1285 00:50:26,486 --> 00:50:28,485 I'm a grown man, we're just walking through the thing. 1286 00:50:28,486 --> 00:50:29,485 And my dad just blurts this out. 1287 00:50:29,486 --> 00:50:32,485 Ah, can't get hard anymore. 1288 00:50:32,486 --> 00:50:36,486 [laughter] 1289 00:50:42,486 --> 00:50:43,486 What do you want me to do? 1290 00:50:47,486 --> 00:50:49,485 And here? 1291 00:50:49,486 --> 00:50:50,485 You get, no, no, no. 1292 00:50:50,486 --> 00:50:51,485 My sixth wife likes a lot of sex, 1293 00:50:51,486 --> 00:50:52,485 likes a lot of different positions. 1294 00:50:52,486 --> 00:50:53,486 You can put her ankle behind her head. 1295 00:50:54,486 --> 00:50:56,485 Dad, stop talking, please. 1296 00:50:56,486 --> 00:50:56,486 You're 53. 1297 00:50:57,279 --> 00:50:58,485 She 60. 1298 00:50:58,486 --> 00:51:01,485 That's two old people doing it, and one of them's my father. 1299 00:51:01,486 --> 00:51:04,486 And when you tell that story, people get cancer. 1300 00:51:05,486 --> 00:51:07,486 [laughter] 1301 00:51:09,486 --> 00:51:10,485 And he goes, well, they've got this new drug. 1302 00:51:10,486 --> 00:51:11,485 It's for Viagra that came out in a pill. 1303 00:51:11,486 --> 00:51:13,485 You've got this new drug, except it comes in liquid form. 1304 00:51:13,486 --> 00:51:14,485 You've got to fill up the syringe. 1305 00:51:14,486 --> 00:51:15,485 And you've got to take the syringe. 1306 00:51:15,486 --> 00:51:18,485 And you've got to shoot it-- no! 1307 00:51:18,486 --> 00:51:19,485 No! 1308 00:51:19,486 --> 00:51:22,486 [vomiting sounds] 1309 00:51:25,486 --> 00:51:26,485 Let me tell you what happened. 1310 00:51:26,486 --> 00:51:31,485 Oh, no-- now, I can't get hard anymore. 1311 00:51:31,486 --> 00:51:33,486 Ugh. 1312 00:51:34,486 --> 00:51:36,485 [hurling sounds] 1313 00:51:36,486 --> 00:51:38,485 Knock it off. 1314 00:51:38,486 --> 00:51:39,485 Let me tell you-- I don't want to know anymore, dad. 1315 00:51:39,486 --> 00:51:40,485 We're good. 1316 00:51:40,486 --> 00:51:42,485 Let me tell you. 1317 00:51:42,486 --> 00:51:43,485 No, I'm not listening to this story, dad. 1318 00:51:43,486 --> 00:51:45,485 Oh my god. 1319 00:51:45,486 --> 00:51:47,485 It's the sickest thing I've ever heard in my life. 1320 00:51:47,486 --> 00:51:48,485 I'm looking at cars. 1321 00:51:48,486 --> 00:51:49,485 Let me tell you-- no. 1322 00:51:49,486 --> 00:51:50,485 And I walk away from him. 1323 00:51:50,486 --> 00:51:51,485 I'm a grown man. 1324 00:51:51,486 --> 00:51:52,485 I don't need to take this. 1325 00:51:52,486 --> 00:51:53,485 I turn, and I'm walking. 1326 00:51:53,486 --> 00:51:54,485 I'm just like la, la. 1327 00:51:54,486 --> 00:51:55,485 I walk with my father. 1328 00:51:55,486 --> 00:51:58,485 I get 25 feet away from my father. 1329 00:51:58,486 --> 00:52:02,485 And in the Oakland Convention Center, my father goes, 1330 00:52:02,486 --> 00:52:04,279 you've got to shoot it into your dick. 1331 00:52:04,486 --> 00:52:05,485 What? 1332 00:52:05,486 --> 00:52:08,486 [laughter] 1333 00:52:18,486 --> 00:52:22,485 You see the people, right? 1334 00:52:22,486 --> 00:52:23,485 What, they got dicks too. 1335 00:52:23,486 --> 00:52:29,485 Dad-- and then my father says something that will forever 1336 00:52:29,486 --> 00:52:30,485 be burned into my brain. 1337 00:52:30,486 --> 00:52:33,485 He says, first time I used it, which means there 1338 00:52:33,486 --> 00:52:40,485 was a second time, at least. 1339 00:52:40,486 --> 00:52:42,485 (DEEP VOICE) First time I used it, 1340 00:52:42,486 --> 00:52:44,485 I didn't have my reading glasses. 1341 00:52:44,486 --> 00:52:47,485 AUDIENCE: Oh. 1342 00:52:47,486 --> 00:52:51,486 [laughter] 1343 00:52:53,486 --> 00:52:57,485 And now, I have to hear the story I don't want to hear. 1344 00:52:57,486 --> 00:52:59,485 And he goes, I didn't have my reading glasses. 1345 00:52:59,486 --> 00:53:03,485 And the prescription bottle said use 1 cc. 1346 00:53:03,486 --> 00:53:05,486 But I thought it said used 10 cc's. 1347 00:53:08,154 --> 00:53:11,485 And I start to horror laugh like you guys just did. 1348 00:53:11,486 --> 00:53:14,485 A horror laugh is defined as something horrible 1349 00:53:14,486 --> 00:53:16,486 happens to somebody else. 1350 00:53:20,486 --> 00:53:22,486 But to hide your guilt for laughing, you go, ha, ha. 1351 00:53:23,486 --> 00:53:24,485 Oh. 1352 00:53:24,486 --> 00:53:25,485 Oh. 1353 00:53:25,486 --> 00:53:26,485 No. 1354 00:53:26,486 --> 00:53:27,486 Oh. 1355 00:53:29,486 --> 00:53:31,485 We've all done it. 1356 00:53:31,486 --> 00:53:32,485 You see a four-year-old slam into a kitchen cabinet 1357 00:53:32,486 --> 00:53:32,821 full speed. 1358 00:53:33,486 --> 00:53:33,486 Ha, ha, ha. 1359 00:53:33,487 --> 00:53:34,485 Aw, come here. 1360 00:53:34,486 --> 00:53:35,485 Come here, come here. 1361 00:53:35,486 --> 00:53:36,486 We've all done it. 1362 00:53:40,486 --> 00:53:40,486 Horror laugh. 1363 00:53:44,486 --> 00:53:48,485 So he goes, I fill up the syringe, and I shot it in. 1364 00:53:48,486 --> 00:53:50,485 Ha-- yeah. 1365 00:53:50,486 --> 00:53:51,486 Let me ask you guys something. 1366 00:53:54,486 --> 00:53:56,485 How much do you think you really like sex? 1367 00:53:56,486 --> 00:53:58,486 Because I think my dad just set the bar. 1368 00:54:02,486 --> 00:54:04,485 And I'm going to quote my father from hereon. 1369 00:54:04,486 --> 00:54:06,485 He goes, I shot it in. 1370 00:54:06,486 --> 00:54:09,485 And in about 11 minutes, everything 1371 00:54:09,486 --> 00:54:11,486 started pulling so hard. 1372 00:54:15,486 --> 00:54:18,485 It felt like someone had unzipped my anus. 1373 00:54:18,486 --> 00:54:22,486 [laughter] 1374 00:54:30,486 --> 00:54:34,485 And as I could be no more offended, he goes, 1375 00:54:34,486 --> 00:54:39,486 five hours later, it turned black. 1376 00:54:43,486 --> 00:54:45,486 And not in the good way. 1377 00:54:48,283 --> 00:54:49,282 My dad died. It was weird. 1378 00:54:49,283 --> 00:54:50,282 It was weird. 1379 00:54:50,283 --> 00:54:51,282 My dad, my dad dying taught me a lot about funerals. 1380 00:54:51,283 --> 00:54:53,282 Number one, you're all invited to my funeral, 1381 00:54:53,283 --> 00:54:56,282 because it's going to be open bar anyway. 1382 00:54:56,283 --> 00:55:00,282 But we're going to be old, so there'll be a lot of vermouth. 1383 00:55:00,283 --> 00:55:02,282 And I don't know what that is, but it's 1384 00:55:02,283 --> 00:55:03,282 like crack to old people. 1385 00:55:03,283 --> 00:55:04,283 That's all I know. 1386 00:55:07,283 --> 00:55:09,282 My dad's funeral was weird. 1387 00:55:09,283 --> 00:55:10,282 There was uh, first of all, it was packed, 250 people. 1388 00:55:10,283 --> 00:55:14,282 There was three rows of women that he had slept with. 1389 00:55:14,283 --> 00:55:16,282 I'm not exaggerating, because they went to this Parents 1390 00:55:16,283 --> 00:55:18,282 Without Partners thing. 1391 00:55:18,283 --> 00:55:19,282 And they sat together in this weird row thing. 1392 00:55:19,283 --> 00:55:21,282 And they were being nice to each other. 1393 00:55:21,283 --> 00:55:22,282 Oh, it's so good to see you. 1394 00:55:22,283 --> 00:55:24,282 I know, it's horrible, isn't it? 1395 00:55:24,283 --> 00:55:25,282 So guys, if you want all the women 1396 00:55:25,283 --> 00:55:30,282 in your life to get along, die. 1397 00:55:30,283 --> 00:55:31,283 Turns out, we are the problem. 1398 00:55:36,283 --> 00:55:38,282 We had an open casket, which I don't understand 1399 00:55:38,283 --> 00:55:39,282 how the open casket happened. 1400 00:55:39,283 --> 00:55:40,282 Did someone just walk into a funeral 1401 00:55:40,283 --> 00:55:43,282 and go, how do we make this more horrifying? 1402 00:55:43,283 --> 00:55:45,282 Hey, I got it. 1403 00:55:45,283 --> 00:55:46,282 Why don't we prop them up, made them look like he 1404 00:55:46,283 --> 00:55:47,282 was sleeping and screaming? 1405 00:55:47,283 --> 00:55:48,283 Ah. 1406 00:55:54,283 --> 00:55:56,282 But I've decided that nobody is going 1407 00:55:56,283 --> 00:55:59,282 to speak at my funeral, nobody. 1408 00:55:59,283 --> 00:56:01,283 Because my family eulogies are just alibis. 1409 00:56:05,283 --> 00:56:08,283 Nobody's doing the eulogy-- no-- nobody is doing the eulogy 1410 00:56:09,283 --> 00:56:10,035 at my funeral, nobody. 1411 00:56:10,283 --> 00:56:10,283 I'm going to do my own eulogy. 1412 00:56:11,283 --> 00:56:13,282 I'm going to pretape it. 1413 00:56:13,283 --> 00:56:17,282 I'm going to do a, a me-logy. 1414 00:56:17,283 --> 00:56:19,282 [laughter] 1415 00:56:19,283 --> 00:56:20,283 Yeah. 1416 00:56:23,283 --> 00:56:25,282 You guys will show up, you know, you know, get a little, 1417 00:56:25,283 --> 00:56:27,282 get a little vermouth in you, crank it down, 1418 00:56:27,283 --> 00:56:30,282 you know, park your Jazzys and your Rascals. 1419 00:56:30,283 --> 00:56:33,283 [laughter] 1420 00:56:34,283 --> 00:56:35,282 Sit down, and they'll just run the tape. 1421 00:56:35,283 --> 00:56:40,282 Hi everybody, I'm dead! 1422 00:56:40,283 --> 00:56:43,282 I know you can see in the box over there. 1423 00:56:43,283 --> 00:56:45,282 I'm not sure if it's opened or closed, because I 1424 00:56:45,283 --> 00:56:48,282 had two different plans. 1425 00:56:48,283 --> 00:56:53,282 If it's open, that means I went with plan A, which 1426 00:56:53,283 --> 00:56:55,282 is do a lot of prescription medication 1427 00:56:55,283 --> 00:57:05,282 and some peyote, a whole brick, and just trip my ass off 1428 00:57:05,283 --> 00:57:08,282 probably somewhere nice. 1429 00:57:08,283 --> 00:57:15,282 If it's closed, then that means I went with plan 2, which was 1430 00:57:15,283 --> 00:57:18,282 jump out of my airplane with a backpack full of laundry 1431 00:57:18,283 --> 00:57:23,282 and camping gear just so when I pull that rip chord, 1432 00:57:23,283 --> 00:57:27,282 I can watch the drum master have an aneurysm. 1433 00:57:27,283 --> 00:57:29,282 So know if it's closed, I laughed 1434 00:57:29,283 --> 00:57:31,283 my ass off the whole way down. 1435 00:57:35,283 --> 00:57:39,282 And I like to speak to everybody from my personal life. 1436 00:57:39,283 --> 00:57:44,283 To my first wife, I want you to know-- 1437 00:57:44,826 --> 00:57:47,283 [laughter] 1438 00:57:48,283 --> 00:57:53,282 Ah, I, I think I tore my damn rotator cuff. 1439 00:57:53,283 --> 00:57:55,282 Don't matter. 1440 00:57:55,283 --> 00:57:57,283 To my second wife, you, you were everything to me. 1441 00:57:58,283 --> 00:58:00,282 You were tall, beautiful, smart, funny. 1442 00:58:00,283 --> 00:58:02,282 You, you were my dream, and you really 1443 00:58:02,283 --> 00:58:05,282 loved me like no one ever did. 1444 00:58:05,283 --> 00:58:10,282 You, you were my soul-- sorry I cheated 1445 00:58:10,283 --> 00:58:11,283 on you with those strippers. 1446 00:58:13,283 --> 00:58:19,283 To my third and fourth wives, we gave it a shot. 1447 00:58:22,283 --> 00:58:26,282 Everybody else, never marry strippers. 1448 00:58:26,283 --> 00:58:28,283 [laughter] 1449 00:58:29,283 --> 00:58:32,282 My fifth wife-- I guess I can tell you now. 1450 00:58:32,283 --> 00:58:35,282 I, I killed her. 1451 00:58:35,283 --> 00:58:37,283 [laughter] 1452 00:58:38,283 --> 00:58:41,282 She was horrible! 1453 00:58:41,283 --> 00:58:43,282 So much worse than my first wife, god. 1454 00:58:43,283 --> 00:58:46,282 I would've gladly choked that bitch out 1455 00:58:46,283 --> 00:58:48,282 in front of a police station! 1456 00:58:48,283 --> 00:58:51,283 [laughter] 1457 00:58:53,283 --> 00:58:55,282 And I, I, I knew I was going to jail, 1458 00:58:55,283 --> 00:58:58,282 and I didn't give a flying flip! 1459 00:58:58,283 --> 00:59:02,282 But it turns out, the world ain't like CSI at all. 1460 00:59:02,283 --> 00:59:06,282 [laughter] Everybody just said, we're 1461 00:59:06,283 --> 00:59:08,283 so sorry about their accident. 1462 00:59:11,283 --> 00:59:13,283 Although, Ray Rice gave me a high five. 1463 00:59:16,283 --> 00:59:18,283 [laughter] 1464 00:59:19,283 --> 00:59:20,283 And Chris Brown patted me on my butt. 1465 00:59:20,659 --> 00:59:21,283 That was it. 1466 00:59:25,283 --> 00:59:28,282 [manic laughter] 1467 00:59:28,283 --> 00:59:30,282 To everybody that used to come to my shows, 1468 00:59:30,283 --> 00:59:32,282 I will never forget my last show. 1469 00:59:32,283 --> 00:59:37,282 83,000 people at the meadowland, sold-out. 1470 00:59:37,283 --> 00:59:40,282 It wasn't like that weird ass politically correct 1471 00:59:40,283 --> 00:59:42,282 theater in Santa Barbara. 1472 00:59:42,283 --> 00:59:43,283 [laughter] 1473 00:59:49,283 --> 00:59:51,282 But I'll never forget that show. 1474 00:59:51,283 --> 00:59:53,282 I, and I knew I was getting near the end, 1475 00:59:53,283 --> 00:59:57,282 because my bowels had started making their own decisions. 1476 00:59:57,283 --> 01:00:00,282 You know it's time to write that final check 1477 01:00:00,283 --> 01:00:03,282 when your colon goes rogue. 1478 01:00:03,283 --> 01:00:06,160 [laughter] 1479 01:00:06,283 --> 01:00:07,283 Ha, ha, ha. 1480 01:00:08,283 --> 01:00:09,282 But I remember on the stage. 1481 01:00:09,283 --> 01:00:12,282 And for a second, I looked out, and I 1482 01:00:12,283 --> 01:00:14,282 see 83,000 laughing faces. 1483 01:00:14,283 --> 01:00:17,282 And my, my loved ones were standing 1484 01:00:17,283 --> 01:00:18,282 in the wings, and my grandkids. 1485 01:00:18,283 --> 01:00:21,282 And I remember thinking, oh, this is what it is. 1486 01:00:21,283 --> 01:00:25,282 That's what it's about, all those TV shows I didn't 1487 01:00:25,283 --> 01:00:28,282 do, and movies I didn't get. 1488 01:00:28,283 --> 01:00:30,826 God damn you Adam Sandler! 1489 01:00:31,283 --> 01:00:33,283 [laughter] 1490 01:00:38,283 --> 01:00:41,282 It didn't matter, because most of my life, 1491 01:00:41,283 --> 01:00:45,282 I got to walk on stage and say what I wanted, how I wanted, 1492 01:00:45,283 --> 01:00:47,282 and they gave me money. 1493 01:00:47,283 --> 01:00:51,283 [cheering] 1494 01:00:54,283 --> 01:01:00,283 And even on its worst night, it was always chicken. 1495 01:01:04,283 --> 01:01:05,283 Yeah. 1496 01:01:05,868 --> 01:01:08,282 That audience was always my favorite. 1497 01:01:08,283 --> 01:01:10,282 Don't lie. 1498 01:01:10,283 --> 01:01:14,282 And it was a pleasure eating them. 1499 01:01:14,283 --> 01:01:18,282 I, I, I know that sounds sexual, I know. 1500 01:01:18,283 --> 01:01:20,283 In a nasty way, I intended it! 1501 01:01:24,283 --> 01:01:26,283 [laughing] 1502 01:01:27,283 --> 01:01:33,282 To everybody who voted for me in my 2028 presidential bid, 1503 01:01:33,283 --> 01:01:35,282 I apologize. 1504 01:01:35,283 --> 01:01:37,282 How could we know arm the children 1505 01:01:37,283 --> 01:01:40,282 would go so horribly wrong? 1506 01:01:40,283 --> 01:01:44,283 [cheering] 1507 01:01:45,283 --> 01:01:48,282 Thank you very much, Santa Barbara. 1508 01:01:48,283 --> 01:01:50,282 You guys were phenomenal. 1509 01:01:50,283 --> 01:01:51,282 Thank you. 1510 01:01:51,283 --> 01:01:54,282 With my heart, I love you, guys! 1511 01:01:54,283 --> 01:01:58,282 Thank you so, so, so much. 1512 01:01:58,283 --> 01:02:00,282 I love this town. 1513 01:02:00,283 --> 01:02:03,282 California, my favorite place in the world. 1514 01:02:03,283 --> 01:02:04,283 Good night, everybody! 1515 01:02:04,576 --> 01:02:07,282 Thank you! 1516 01:02:07,283 --> 01:02:09,282 Peace! 1517 01:02:09,283 --> 01:02:10,782 Thank you guys. 1518 01:02:15,729 --> 01:02:16,728 Made my night. 1519 01:02:16,729 --> 01:02:17,729 Thanks, guys.